FAMILY DYNAMICS

 

COURSE: FAMILY DYNAMICS AND EXPECTATIONS

 

Learning Outcomes and Summary of Objectives

Upon successful completion of this learning module, the student should be able to

• Understand the meaning of family dynamics
• Gain knowledge about the factors influencing family dynamics
• Identify the dynamics in families and the contributive factors related to it
• Understand how family dynamics affects perception for life
• Discuss the power of expectation in a
• Suggestsome conflict resolution strategies andskills

 

 

 

LECTURE OVERVIEW:

Introduction

MODULE 1- UNDERSTANDING FAMILY DYNAMICS

Exercise 1- The family

Exercise 2- Meaning of family Dynamics

Exercise 3- Understanding of family Dynamics

Exercise 4- Factors that influence Family Dynamics

Exercise 5- Negative influences that can affect Family Dynamics

Exercise 6- Positive Factors that can affect Family Dynamics

Exercise 7- Impact of factors that influence Family Dynamics

Exercise 6- Identifying Family Dynamics

 

 

MODULE 2- FAMILY DYNAMICS AND ITS IMPACT ON MARRIAGE

Exercise 1- An individuals’ family of origin/birth

Exercise 2- Experience and exposure

Exercise 3- Areas of conflict in marriage caused by unaligned expectation

Exercise 4- Problems Expectations cause in marriage

Exercise 5- How can we tell if Expectations are at Play?

Exercise 6- How to Deal with Assumptions and Unspoken Expectations

 

MODULE 3 – Consequences of Expectation in different aspects of marriages

Exercise 1- Sex and intimacy

Exercise 2- Money

Exercise 3- Parenting

Exercise 4- Work Life Balance

Exercise 5– Relationship with the Extended Family

 

MODULE 4- Moving Forward

Exercise 1- Being Sympathetic towards your Spouse

Exercise 2- Keeping your love alive

 

 

FAMILY DYNAMICS AND EXPECTATIONS

Learning Outcomes and Summary of Objectives

Upon successful completion of this learning module, the student should be able to:

• Discuss the power of expectation in a
• Propose some ways of dealing with money
• Suggestsome conflict resolution strategies andskills
• Learning Objectives
• Understand the meaning of family dynamics
• Gain knowledge about the factors influencing FD
• Identify the dynamics in families and the contributive factors related to it

 

 

 

MODULE 1- THE FAMILY

When interacting with human beings it is essential to understand each one of them as individuals and understand effective interventions. The human beings feel more comfortable in his/her family settings. At every stage, he/she is being educated about values and customary practices which vary from family to family based on the region, social values, cultural practices etc. Families develop their own structure made of persons who share a strong sense of belonging common sense of history and make efforts to meet each other’s needs. One needs to understand the factors influencing family dynamics in order to build healthy relationships amongst the members.

 

Exercise 2- Meaning of family Dynamics

 

Exercise 3- Understanding of family Dynamics

 

Exercise 4 – Factors that influence Family Dynamics

• Structure and family type
• Personalities of individuals
• Family values including beliefs about gender roles
• Nature of the parents’ relationship
• number of children in the family
• Parenting practices
• Power status of family members
• Religion
• Culture
• Social and economic standards
• Nature of attachments in family (i.e. secure, insecure)
• Dynamics of previous generations (parents and grandparents’ families)

 

Exercise 5 – Negative influences that can affect Family Dynamics

• Domestic violence
• Issues such as family violence, abuse, alcohol or other drug use, mental health
• Presence of sick or disabled member of the family
• Absence of parents or single parent
• Learning disability of children
• Divorce
• Death
• Business loss

 

Exercise 6- Positive Factors

• Success
• Gain of wealth
• Promotion
• Change in social and economic status etc.
• Marriage and birth of a child

 

Exercise 7- Impact of factors that influence Family Dynamics

• General
  • Religion
  • Family values
• Positive
  • Promotions
• Negative factors
  • Presence of sick or disabled member of the family
  • Divorce
  • Death

 

Exercise 8- Identifying Family Dynamics

• Understanding problematic pattern that may need to be challenged
• Identifying the stress areas of individuals
• Understanding the value system
• Understanding the religious, cultural and social backgrounds
• The family strengths

 

Importance of identifying family dynamics

• Family exists as their own structure made up of people who share bonds and a sense of history and endeavor to meet each other’s needs.
• Can reach their full potential
• To enhance bonding amongst members
• To enable members to grow a sense of belonging and commitment to family

 

Characteristics family members develop during the course of interacting with each other

• Members keep the views developed from their family of origin throughout life
• Emotional attachment – continued re-enactment of dynamics
• A satisfying adult life of young members depend on the inner dynamics of the family
• Self perception; Has a strong influence on how young people see themselves, others, and the world
• Model -The relationships they can tolerate and participate later in life

 

 

MODULE 2- FAMILY DYNAMICS AND ITS IMPACT ON MARRIAGE

The family dynamics of an individuals’ family of origin/birth forms the bases for the person’s self-perception and world views. Members keep the views developed from their family of origin throughout life. They are also emotionally attachment even if they are not physically present and therefore continue re-enactment of dynamic even in their marriage

 

Exercise 2

• An individual’s experience and exposure shape his perception to life
• It determines what he considers right or wrong, permissible or not.
• It determines expectations

 

Exercise 3- Issues most couples struggle with

• Having expectations about “how things ought tobe”
• Having different attitudes towardsmoney
• Having disagreements overparenting
• Experiencing conflicts related to our work-life balance. (Also, the distribution of householdchores)
• Relationships with our extended families;and
• Challenges related to blendedfamilies.

 

Thus, it’s crucial we develop conflict resolution skills, and we learn to deal with

tensions in a more productive way.

 

Exercise 4 – Problems with Expectations

• Problems can develop when we think our way is right, and
• we expect the other person to fall in line with this.
• Hence, we assume they’ll have our mindset and will do what we expect; and
• we then get mad or moody when they do things differently.

 

 

Exercise 5- How can we tell if Expectations are at Play?

Expectations and assumptions, which are rooted in our past, can been seen in common statements like the ones outlined below:

• I thought you would do X if I did Y…
• When you said X, I took it at face value. I never thought you really were hoping for
• Any sensible person would have done X in that
• Why do I always have to spell things out for you! Isn’t it justobvious?
• Well, that’s how we did things in myfamily
• Why would you do that? It makes no sense atall!
• I can’t believe this comes as a surprise to
• My dad always…
• My mom always…
• Other peoples’ wives…
• Any decent man would…
• If you loved me, you would have…
• Well, I think you should have…
• What on earth were youthinking!

 

Exercise 6- How to Deal with Assumptions and Unspoken Expectations

So, how can couples deal with this, and maintain harmony when old rules and assumptions are affecting things today:

• First, any previously undiscussed relationship expectations need to be articulated and discussed openly (so that both members of the members are aware of their existence.)
• The person with the breached expectations needs to acknowledge that, in the majority of cases, their expectations are merely personal preferences. That is, they aren’t rules which must be followed, or which need to be adhered
• When sharing our expectations for our partner and the relationship, we must also provide space for our spouse or partner to share their expectations and preferences,
• We must listen with respect when our partner shares their
• It is important to remember that you are participating in a dialogue, and in a dialogue between two loving and committed individuals. In most cases, neither is seeking to hurt or control the other person. Instead, you are trying to negotiate a way forward that works for both of you, and which enriches this
• We must be willing to acknowledge that sometimes feelings are stirred by expectations we had had – but had not voiced or shared before. (Hence, our upset is being caused by unexpressed, and personal,)
• We must accept that all relationships require some give-and-take, and require negotiation, and some kind of compromise. That is, it’s not all about me, and what I think, and I

 

 

 

MODULE 3 – EXPECTATION IN SEX AND INTIMACY

For example, in intimate relationships we may have expectations related to such areas as:

• How affectionate the couple should be; also, how affection can, or should, be expressed – both privately, and

 

• How often a couple should have sex; the kinds of occasions when sex is expected by either one of the partners (such as on birthdays, or wedding anniversaries, or when they are on)

 

• Who should initiate sex; how much foreplay there should be; and what form foreplay and sex shouldtake?

 

• What kinds of emotional needs the couple should meet in one another, and how they should dothis?

 

• Which emotions can be expressed, how these can be expressed, and how they should be responded to by the otherperson?

 

• How much space and privacy they should allow oneanother?

 

• The kinds of activities each can engage in alone/ without their partner (including online)

 

 

 

Exercise 2- Money

Beliefs here can go deep – and can be fixed, and hard to change. They can trigger powerful feelings and unlock deep primal fears. For example,

• Perhaps a partner has been raised in, or experienced, poverty. As a consequence of this, he or she may be afraid of lacking the resources to cover all the bills, or of not providing adequately for their
• Perhaps the partner has been stigmatized and shamed in early life as they didn’t have the same kinds of gadgets, toys or clothes as their friends, or the other kids at school. This is likely to have impacted the person’s self-esteem, their feeling of being valued, and included in the group. Thus, they may keep spending money as it’s crucial that they’re seen as someone who has plenty, and as someone who’s not
• Perhaps a partner has been raised in a generous family. Hence, not living like this now can leave that person feeling mean – like they’re living in a way that isn’t true to who they

 

• A person may hate meanness, and dislike tight-fisted people. Hence, they may react quite strongly to a spouse who wants to budget, or who likes to keep a tab on every penny that is
• A person may react because they feel they’re being controlled when a partner wants to save or to record what’s being spent. It leaves the other person feeling they’re being treated like a child. Thus, they feel they have no freedom, and they then react to
• One member of a couple may have grown up in a home where one of their parents had a serious debt problem. This affects them still today – for they are terrified of debt. Hence, they feel they can’t be lavish for they worry about
• A person may be comfortable with spending on some things but they may not have the freedom to spend on other For example, some people spend on cars, or on their garden, or their home – whilst others prefer spending on worthwhile experiences (like concerts, hockey matches or exotic holidays.) Also, some might hunt for bargains whilst their partner may believe it is wise to only buy expensive goods andservices.

 

 

 

So, what can be done to help a couple who’re at war, and who can’t see eye to eye,

about the way they spend and save?

 

• It can be helpful to begin by looking at where our ideas and beliefs about money come from. As was stated previously, many of these are picked up from our family of origin. However, we can also be influenced by the media or friends. Examples of entrenched beliefs might include: the belief that only an irresponsible person buys items on credit; or the belief that good and loving parents are willing to sacrifice almost everything for the success and happiness of their
• Once we understand these viewpoints, it is generally much easier to sit down as a couple and discuss financial goals. It will also be much easier to reach a compromise, even if at heart we tend to still view money differently.
• Related to the above, it is crucial that we learn to work together as a team, and we both share in decisions around managing our spending. That way, both feel they’re involved and share accountability – for everything is open and is talked through honestly.
• It can also be quite helpful if we set aside some times for reviewing our expenses, and our bills and purchases. In this way, discussing money starts to feel more like a task or chore as it’s something we “just do” – like washing up, or cooking
• If there are still ongoing issues which seem unresolvable (for example, if the debts still keep on rising, or we can’t adhere to budgets) then it may be best to talk to a debt

 

Time to Reflect

1. Why do you think it is so difficult for couples to raise the topic of money and spending with eachother?
2. What might be some of the fears related tothis?
3. Why is it so difficult to change our attitudes towards money and spending?

 

 

 

Exercise 3- Parenting

 

QUESTIONNAIRE

The following questionnaire is designed to help couples better understand how their childhood experiences (i) may have shaped them personally, and (ii) may have influenced their views on parenting.

 

Note: It is suggested that each individual completes this questionnaire on their own.

• Describe something your parent said or did which has influenced you in a positive way.
• Describe something your parent said or did (or did not do) which has influenced you in a negative
• Describe something you particularly liked about your parents’ approach to parenting.
• How would you like to replicate this in your current family, with your own child or children?
• List some things you intend to do differently from your parents (with respect to child rearing). What are the reasons forthis?
• What do you feel was missing from your childhood that you’re trying to give to your own childrentoday?
• Describe how your feelings about being a child may be influencing the way you parent your own
• What does your partner sometimes do which reminds you of your childhood, and your parents – in a positiveway?
• What does your partner sometimes do which reminds you of your childhood, and your parents – in a negativeway?
• How do you generally react to those negative attitudes, words or behaviours? (In terms of your feelings, thoughts and)
• What are hopes, goals and dreams as aparent?
• What are your anxieties and fears as aparent?

 

It is recommended that, after completing the questionnaire, the couple discuss their individual responses to the questions with each other and the counsellor.

 

• Who comes First: My Partner or the Children?

 

 

Exercise 4- Work Life Balance

Some expectations around chores

• women working and have jobs outside the home.
• old archaic stereotypes around gender roles
• for both parents may be working; hence the chores must now be shared.
• both lack time for themselves.

 

Some Tips to Help Couples Effectively Manage the Work-Life Balance

• Always choose to put the relationship first. Marriage and relationships need care and nurturing. Neglect these at your peril, as stress and pressure take their toll.
• Have realistic expectations. If both of you are working then you simply won’t have time to fit in everything you feel you really ought to do. Hence, order your priorities and let some standards

Also, talk about the details such as having family meals, or being there for birthdays, or of caring for sick kids. Here, negotiate some trade-offs and decide “what’s best for all”. If these can be discussed then they will likely cause less stress.

• Know what’s important when it comes to raising children. Agree about the things that you will focus on at home. Perhaps consult the experts who have studied parenting or talk with friends and family who are walking this road
• Outsource where you can. Your nanny might be willing to take children to their clubs; or maybe hire a cleaner to take care of household chores. Also, grandparents may be happy to help out from time to time. Each family’s very different – so think through what works foryou.
• Schedule what you can; put it on the calendar. Being organized will usually help to stop things going wrong, and minimize the upset when a plan needs to be changed. Also, make sure you warn your partner if demands pile up at work, and you cannot be home – for this will impact them as
• Cut each other slack, and recognize we sometimes fail. The best plans go awry, and everybody drops the ball. Accept that we are human – and keep larger goals in

 

 

 

 

 

Exercise 5– Relationship with the Extended Family

• How much time should be spent with extended family
• How much time alone with extended family is ok?
• How much interference should be allowed?

For example, one member of the couple might find it hard to break free of their family’s influence, and to fully separate. Thus, they may consult their parents when decisions must be made; or seek out their acceptance and approval constantly. This is likely to upset the new relationship.

 

 

Similarly, parents can assume that it is natural and right to interfere, or have a say, in adult children’s lives. This can create tensions and can lead to arguments.

 

Time to Reflect

Suggest reasons why parents may interfere, or might want to be included, in their son or daughter’s life – even when he or she is married, or is living with a partner of their choice.

 

Below, are some common ways that parents interfere – and also some suggestions for addressing this with them.

 

 Intrusive parents who turn up uninvited, or who expect to be kept informed about the couple’s life.

Even though you are aware that it might hurt or cause offense, it’s wise to set out guidelines for them visiting your home. For example, ask for advance warning, and then gently let them know that unexpected visits are not going to work for you. In addition, refuse to get drawn in to sharing details of your life, and always be quite careful when you’re choosing what to share.

 Parents who expect you to have the same outlook, attitudes, views and beliefs as them.

Tell your parents you appreciate their input and ideas – but both you and your partner will decide things for yourselves.

 Parents who keep trying to do everything for you, who shower you with gifts, and who want to cover large expenses for you and your partner.

Although it can be tempting to accept these kinds of gifts, you’ll have more self- respect if you can buy them for yourself. Explain this to your parents – and then thank them for being kind – then negotiate set limits for all purchases and gifts.

 Parents who criticize your spouse or partner.

This is unacceptable – and it reveals deep disrespect. It’s not their place to criticize or find fault with your mate. Hence, it’s crucial that you speak up and immediately make clear that you will not discuss your partner (or your spouse) with them.

Here, if your parents do not listen then you need to break away and spend less time with them, and always put your partner first.

 Parents who expect you to uphold family traditions, or to prioritize their wishes over what your partner wants. Explain you have two families to think about and please, and though you respect both, you must choose what works for you. (That is, for you, your partner and your nuclear family.)

 This can also be an issue when a family member’s ill, and you experience pressure to do more than you can do.

 Parents who interfere with your parenting.

 Although it’s well-intentioned and designed to help you out, it’s not their place to interfere, and offer their advice. It can also shape and influence your children’s attitudes – and lead to disrespect and undermine authority.

 Hence, tell parents you appreciate their life experience – and their desire to help, and be supportive in their role. However, it’s your turn to be parents so you’ll do things your own way and talk through with your partner how’ll raise your family.

 

 

MODULE 4- Moving Forward

Exercise 1- Being Sympathetic towards your Spouse

Be sympathetic towards your spouse. Seek to understand them. Know that these dynamics have been engrained and make take time to change negative patterns. Study trends

 

Exercise 2 – Keeping your love alive

Love is a living thing; and it can die or thrive. Hence, couples must attend to it to keep their love alive

Below are some key areas that couples can work on to spark and fan the flames – so love and passion remain strong:

 

• Be aware of your vulnerabilities, and the kinds of situations which provoke feelings of insecurity in you. These tend to set in motion demon dialogues. Being forewarned of these potential dangers will enable you to think through how best to deal with raw spots and sticking points (should these become an issue in the future).
• Be conscious of, and deliberately celebrate, shared positive moments and experiences. That is, those times when you’ve felt close to, and been there for, one another. Don’t overlook these significant events. They are evidence of your genuine commitment to, and strong love for, one another.
• Decide on, and practice, small rituals related to separating and reuniting in your day-to-day living. These are important ways of continually reaffirming your love for one another. (For example, kissing when you leave for work, or when you return home in the evening.)
• When recurring issues develop in your relationship try, together, to identify issues and raw points which may be surfacing in one or both of the partners. Think though ways of nipping these in the bud – so that they’re dealt with promptly and sensitively. Don’t allow them to take root, and start to grow, and create havoc.
• When dealing with issues, challenges and disagreements, ensure that you always aim to approach these from a respectful, non-attacking place. Also, seek to remain emotionally connected, as you try to resolve issues in a calm, objective way.

 

 

 

COURSE: FAMILY DYNAMICS AND EXPECTATIONS

Learning Outcomes and Summary of Objectives

Upon successful completion of this learning module, the student should be able to

• Understand the meaning of family dynamics
• Gain knowledge about the factors influencing family dynamics
• Identify the dynamics in families and the contributive factors related to it
• Understand how family dynamics affects perception for life
• Discuss the power of expectation in a
• Suggestsome conflict resolution strategies andskills

 

 

 

LECTURE OVERVIEW:

Introduction

MODULE 1- UNDERSTANDING FAMILY DYNAMICS

Exercise 1- The family

Exercise 2- Meaning of family Dynamics

Exercise 3- Understanding of family Dynamics

Exercise 4- Factors that influence Family Dynamics

Exercise 5- Negative influences that can affect Family Dynamics

Exercise 6- Positive Factors that can affect Family Dynamics

Exercise 7- Impact of factors that influence Family Dynamics

Exercise 6- Identifying Family Dynamics

 

 

MODULE 2- FAMILY DYNAMICS AND ITS IMPACT ON MARRIAGE

Exercise 1- An individuals’ family of origin/birth

Exercise 2- Experience and exposure

Exercise 3- Areas of conflict in marriage caused by unaligned expectation

Exercise 4- Problems Expectations cause in marriage

Exercise 5- How can we tell if Expectations are at Play?

Exercise 6- How to Deal with Assumptions and Unspoken Expectations

 

MODULE 3 – Consequences of Expectation in different aspects of marriages

Exercise 1- Sex and intimacy

Exercise 2- Money

Exercise 3- Parenting

Exercise 4- Work Life Balance

Exercise 5– Relationship with the Extended Family

 

MODULE 4- Moving Forward

Exercise 1- Being Sympathetic towards your Spouse

Exercise 2- Keeping your love alive

 

 

FAMILY DYNAMICS AND EXPECTATIONS

Learning Outcomes and Summary of Objectives

Upon successful completion of this learning module, the student should be able to:

• Discuss the power of expectation in a
• Propose some ways of dealing with money
• Suggestsome conflict resolution strategies andskills
• Learning Objectives
• Understand the meaning of family dynamics
• Gain knowledge about the factors influencing FD
• Identify the dynamics in families and the contributive factors related to it

 

 

 

MODULE 1- THE FAMILY

When interacting with human beings it is essential to understand each one of them as individuals and understand effective interventions. The human beings feel more comfortable in his/her family settings. At every stage, he/she is being educated about values and customary practices which vary from family to family based on the region, social values, cultural practices etc. Families develop their own structure made of persons who share a strong sense of belonging common sense of history and make efforts to meet each other’s needs. One needs to understand the factors influencing family dynamics in order to build healthy relationships amongst the members.

 

Exercise 2- Meaning of family Dynamics

 

Exercise 3- Understanding of family Dynamics

 

Exercise 4 – Factors that influence Family Dynamics

• Structure and family type
• Personalities of individuals
• Family values including beliefs about gender roles
• Nature of the parents’ relationship
• number of children in the family
• Parenting practices
• Power status of family members
• Religion
• Culture
• Social and economic standards
• Nature of attachments in family (i.e. secure, insecure)
• Dynamics of previous generations (parents and grandparents’ families)

 

Exercise 5 – Negative influences that can affect Family Dynamics

• Domestic violence
• Issues such as family violence, abuse, alcohol or other drug use, mental health
• Presence of sick or disabled member of the family
• Absence of parents or single parent
• Learning disability of children
• Divorce
• Death
• Business loss

 

Exercise 6- Positive Factors

• Success
• Gain of wealth
• Promotion
• Change in social and economic status etc.
• Marriage and birth of a child

 

Exercise 7- Impact of factors that influence Family Dynamics

• General
  • Religion
  • Family values
• Positive
  • Promotions
• Negative factors
  • Presence of sick or disabled member of the family
  • Divorce
  • Death

 

Exercise 8- Identifying Family Dynamics

• Understanding problematic pattern that may need to be challenged
• Identifying the stress areas of individuals
• Understanding the value system
• Understanding the religious, cultural and social backgrounds
• The family strengths

 

Importance of identifying family dynamics

• Family exists as their own structure made up of people who share bonds and a sense of history and endeavor to meet each other’s needs.
• Can reach their full potential
• To enhance bonding amongst members
• To enable members to grow a sense of belonging and commitment to family

 

Characteristics family members develop during the course of interacting with each other

• Members keep the views developed from their family of origin throughout life
• Emotional attachment – continued re-enactment of dynamics
• A satisfying adult life of young members depend on the inner dynamics of the family
• Self perception; Has a strong influence on how young people see themselves, others, and the world
• Model -The relationships they can tolerate and participate later in life

 

 

MODULE 2- FAMILY DYNAMICS AND ITS IMPACT ON MARRIAGE

The family dynamics of an individuals’ family of origin/birth forms the bases for the person’s self-perception and world views. Members keep the views developed from their family of origin throughout life. They are also emotionally attachment even if they are not physically present and therefore continue re-enactment of dynamic even in their marriage

 

Exercise 2

• An individual’s experience and exposure shape his perception to life
• It determines what he considers right or wrong, permissible or not.
• It determines expectations

 

Exercise 3- Issues most couples struggle with

• Having expectations about “how things ought tobe”
• Having different attitudes towardsmoney
• Having disagreements overparenting
• Experiencing conflicts related to our work-life balance. (Also, the distribution of householdchores)
• Relationships with our extended families;and
• Challenges related to blendedfamilies.

 

Thus, it’s crucial we develop conflict resolution skills, and we learn to deal with

tensions in a more productive way.

 

Exercise 4 – Problems with Expectations

• Problems can develop when we think our way is right, and
• we expect the other person to fall in line with this.
• Hence, we assume they’ll have our mindset and will do what we expect; and
• we then get mad or moody when they do things differently.

 

 

Exercise 5- How can we tell if Expectations are at Play?

Expectations and assumptions, which are rooted in our past, can been seen in common statements like the ones outlined below:

• I thought you would do X if I did Y…
• When you said X, I took it at face value. I never thought you really were hoping for
• Any sensible person would have done X in that
• Why do I always have to spell things out for you! Isn’t it justobvious?
• Well, that’s how we did things in myfamily
• Why would you do that? It makes no sense atall!
• I can’t believe this comes as a surprise to
• My dad always…
• My mom always…
• Other peoples’ wives…
• Any decent man would…
• If you loved me, you would have…
• Well, I think you should have…
• What on earth were youthinking!

 

Exercise 6- How to Deal with Assumptions and Unspoken Expectations

So, how can couples deal with this, and maintain harmony when old rules and assumptions are affecting things today:

• First, any previously undiscussed relationship expectations need to be articulated and discussed openly (so that both members of the members are aware of their existence.)
• The person with the breached expectations needs to acknowledge that, in the majority of cases, their expectations are merely personal preferences. That is, they aren’t rules which must be followed, or which need to be adhered
• When sharing our expectations for our partner and the relationship, we must also provide space for our spouse or partner to share their expectations and preferences,
• We must listen with respect when our partner shares their
• It is important to remember that you are participating in a dialogue, and in a dialogue between two loving and committed individuals. In most cases, neither is seeking to hurt or control the other person. Instead, you are trying to negotiate a way forward that works for both of you, and which enriches this
• We must be willing to acknowledge that sometimes feelings are stirred by expectations we had had – but had not voiced or shared before. (Hence, our upset is being caused by unexpressed, and personal,)
• We must accept that all relationships require some give-and-take, and require negotiation, and some kind of compromise. That is, it’s not all about me, and what I think, and I

 

 

 

MODULE 3 – EXPECTATION IN SEX AND INTIMACY

For example, in intimate relationships we may have expectations related to such areas as:

• How affectionate the couple should be; also, how affection can, or should, be expressed – both privately, and

 

• How often a couple should have sex; the kinds of occasions when sex is expected by either one of the partners (such as on birthdays, or wedding anniversaries, or when they are on)

 

• Who should initiate sex; how much foreplay there should be; and what form foreplay and sex shouldtake?

 

• What kinds of emotional needs the couple should meet in one another, and how they should dothis?

 

• Which emotions can be expressed, how these can be expressed, and how they should be responded to by the otherperson?

 

• How much space and privacy they should allow oneanother?

 

• The kinds of activities each can engage in alone/ without their partner (including online)

 

 

 

Exercise 2- Money

Beliefs here can go deep – and can be fixed, and hard to change. They can trigger powerful feelings and unlock deep primal fears. For example,

• Perhaps a partner has been raised in, or experienced, poverty. As a consequence of this, he or she may be afraid of lacking the resources to cover all the bills, or of not providing adequately for their
• Perhaps the partner has been stigmatized and shamed in early life as they didn’t have the same kinds of gadgets, toys or clothes as their friends, or the other kids at school. This is likely to have impacted the person’s self-esteem, their feeling of being valued, and included in the group. Thus, they may keep spending money as it’s crucial that they’re seen as someone who has plenty, and as someone who’s not
• Perhaps a partner has been raised in a generous family. Hence, not living like this now can leave that person feeling mean – like they’re living in a way that isn’t true to who they

 

• A person may hate meanness, and dislike tight-fisted people. Hence, they may react quite strongly to a spouse who wants to budget, or who likes to keep a tab on every penny that is
• A person may react because they feel they’re being controlled when a partner wants to save or to record what’s being spent. It leaves the other person feeling they’re being treated like a child. Thus, they feel they have no freedom, and they then react to
• One member of a couple may have grown up in a home where one of their parents had a serious debt problem. This affects them still today – for they are terrified of debt. Hence, they feel they can’t be lavish for they worry about
• A person may be comfortable with spending on some things but they may not have the freedom to spend on other For example, some people spend on cars, or on their garden, or their home – whilst others prefer spending on worthwhile experiences (like concerts, hockey matches or exotic holidays.) Also, some might hunt for bargains whilst their partner may believe it is wise to only buy expensive goods andservices.

 

 

 

So, what can be done to help a couple who’re at war, and who can’t see eye to eye,

about the way they spend and save?

 

• It can be helpful to begin by looking at where our ideas and beliefs about money come from. As was stated previously, many of these are picked up from our family of origin. However, we can also be influenced by the media or friends. Examples of entrenched beliefs might include: the belief that only an irresponsible person buys items on credit; or the belief that good and loving parents are willing to sacrifice almost everything for the success and happiness of their
• Once we understand these viewpoints, it is generally much easier to sit down as a couple and discuss financial goals. It will also be much easier to reach a compromise, even if at heart we tend to still view money differently.
• Related to the above, it is crucial that we learn to work together as a team, and we both share in decisions around managing our spending. That way, both feel they’re involved and share accountability – for everything is open and is talked through honestly.
• It can also be quite helpful if we set aside some times for reviewing our expenses, and our bills and purchases. In this way, discussing money starts to feel more like a task or chore as it’s something we “just do” – like washing up, or cooking
• If there are still ongoing issues which seem unresolvable (for example, if the debts still keep on rising, or we can’t adhere to budgets) then it may be best to talk to a debt

 

Time to Reflect

1. Why do you think it is so difficult for couples to raise the topic of money and spending with eachother?
2. What might be some of the fears related tothis?
3. Why is it so difficult to change our attitudes towards money and spending?

 

 

 

Exercise 3- Parenting

 

QUESTIONNAIRE

The following questionnaire is designed to help couples better understand how their childhood experiences (i) may have shaped them personally, and (ii) may have influenced their views on parenting.

 

Note: It is suggested that each individual completes this questionnaire on their own.

• Describe something your parent said or did which has influenced you in a positive way.
• Describe something your parent said or did (or did not do) which has influenced you in a negative
• Describe something you particularly liked about your parents’ approach to parenting.
• How would you like to replicate this in your current family, with your own child or children?
• List some things you intend to do differently from your parents (with respect to child rearing). What are the reasons forthis?
• What do you feel was missing from your childhood that you’re trying to give to your own childrentoday?
• Describe how your feelings about being a child may be influencing the way you parent your own
• What does your partner sometimes do which reminds you of your childhood, and your parents – in a positiveway?
• What does your partner sometimes do which reminds you of your childhood, and your parents – in a negativeway?
• How do you generally react to those negative attitudes, words or behaviours? (In terms of your feelings, thoughts and)
• What are hopes, goals and dreams as aparent?
• What are your anxieties and fears as aparent?

 

It is recommended that, after completing the questionnaire, the couple discuss their individual responses to the questions with each other and the counsellor.

 

• Who comes First: My Partner or the Children?

 

 

Exercise 4- Work Life Balance

Some expectations around chores

• women working and have jobs outside the home.
• old archaic stereotypes around gender roles
• for both parents may be working; hence the chores must now be shared.
• both lack time for themselves.

 

Some Tips to Help Couples Effectively Manage the Work-Life Balance

• Always choose to put the relationship first. Marriage and relationships need care and nurturing. Neglect these at your peril, as stress and pressure take their toll.
• Have realistic expectations. If both of you are working then you simply won’t have time to fit in everything you feel you really ought to do. Hence, order your priorities and let some standards

Also, talk about the details such as having family meals, or being there for birthdays, or of caring for sick kids. Here, negotiate some trade-offs and decide “what’s best for all”. If these can be discussed then they will likely cause less stress.

• Know what’s important when it comes to raising children. Agree about the things that you will focus on at home. Perhaps consult the experts who have studied parenting or talk with friends and family who are walking this road
• Outsource where you can. Your nanny might be willing to take children to their clubs; or maybe hire a cleaner to take care of household chores. Also, grandparents may be happy to help out from time to time. Each family’s very different – so think through what works foryou.
• Schedule what you can; put it on the calendar. Being organized will usually help to stop things going wrong, and minimize the upset when a plan needs to be changed. Also, make sure you warn your partner if demands pile up at work, and you cannot be home – for this will impact them as
• Cut each other slack, and recognize we sometimes fail. The best plans go awry, and everybody drops the ball. Accept that we are human – and keep larger goals in

 

 

 

 

 

Exercise 5– Relationship with the Extended Family

• How much time should be spent with extended family
• How much time alone with extended family is ok?
• How much interference should be allowed?

For example, one member of the couple might find it hard to break free of their family’s influence, and to fully separate. Thus, they may consult their parents when decisions must be made; or seek out their acceptance and approval constantly. This is likely to upset the new relationship.

 

 

Similarly, parents can assume that it is natural and right to interfere, or have a say, in adult children’s lives. This can create tensions and can lead to arguments.

 

Time to Reflect

Suggest reasons why parents may interfere, or might want to be included, in their son or daughter’s life – even when he or she is married, or is living with a partner of their choice.

 

Below, are some common ways that parents interfere – and also some suggestions for addressing this with them.

 

 Intrusive parents who turn up uninvited, or who expect to be kept informed about the couple’s life.

Even though you are aware that it might hurt or cause offense, it’s wise to set out guidelines for them visiting your home. For example, ask for advance warning, and then gently let them know that unexpected visits are not going to work for you. In addition, refuse to get drawn in to sharing details of your life, and always be quite careful when you’re choosing what to share.

 Parents who expect you to have the same outlook, attitudes, views and beliefs as them.

Tell your parents you appreciate their input and ideas – but both you and your partner will decide things for yourselves.

 Parents who keep trying to do everything for you, who shower you with gifts, and who want to cover large expenses for you and your partner.

Although it can be tempting to accept these kinds of gifts, you’ll have more self- respect if you can buy them for yourself. Explain this to your parents – and then thank them for being kind – then negotiate set limits for all purchases and gifts.

 Parents who criticize your spouse or partner.

This is unacceptable – and it reveals deep disrespect. It’s not their place to criticize or find fault with your mate. Hence, it’s crucial that you speak up and immediately make clear that you will not discuss your partner (or your spouse) with them.

Here, if your parents do not listen then you need to break away and spend less time with them, and always put your partner first.

 Parents who expect you to uphold family traditions, or to prioritize their wishes over what your partner wants. Explain you have two families to think about and please, and though you respect both, you must choose what works for you. (That is, for you, your partner and your nuclear family.)

 This can also be an issue when a family member’s ill, and you experience pressure to do more than you can do.

 Parents who interfere with your parenting.

 Although it’s well-intentioned and designed to help you out, it’s not their place to interfere, and offer their advice. It can also shape and influence your children’s attitudes – and lead to disrespect and undermine authority.

 Hence, tell parents you appreciate their life experience – and their desire to help, and be supportive in their role. However, it’s your turn to be parents so you’ll do things your own way and talk through with your partner how’ll raise your family.

 

 

MODULE 4- Moving Forward

Exercise 1- Being Sympathetic towards your Spouse

Be sympathetic towards your spouse. Seek to understand them. Know that these dynamics have been engrained and make take time to change negative patterns. Study trends

 

Exercise 2 – Keeping your love alive

Love is a living thing; and it can die or thrive. Hence, couples must attend to it to keep their love alive

Below are some key areas that couples can work on to spark and fan the flames – so love and passion remain strong:

 

• Be aware of your vulnerabilities, and the kinds of situations which provoke feelings of insecurity in you. These tend to set in motion demon dialogues. Being forewarned of these potential dangers will enable you to think through how best to deal with raw spots and sticking points (should these become an issue in the future).
• Be conscious of, and deliberately celebrate, shared positive moments and experiences. That is, those times when you’ve felt close to, and been there for, one another. Don’t overlook these significant events. They are evidence of your genuine commitment to, and strong love for, one another.
• Decide on, and practice, small rituals related to separating and reuniting in your day-to-day living. These are important ways of continually reaffirming your love for one another. (For example, kissing when you leave for work, or when you return home in the evening.)
• When recurring issues develop in your relationship try, together, to identify issues and raw points which may be surfacing in one or both of the partners. Think though ways of nipping these in the bud – so that they’re dealt with promptly and sensitively. Don’t allow them to take root, and start to grow, and create havoc.
• When dealing with issues, challenges and disagreements, ensure that you always aim to approach these from a respectful, non-attacking place. Also, seek to remain emotionally connected, as you try to resolve issues in a calm, objective way.