COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIP

 

COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

LECTURE OVERVIEW

Introduction

MODULE 1- UNDERSTANDING COMMUNICATION

Exercise 1- Why Communication is Important

Exercise 2- Shared Meaning in Communication

ACTIVITY

Exercise 3– Good communication in a Relationship

ACTIVITY

Exercise 4– Benefits of Good Communication in a Relationship

 

MODULE 2 – COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY

Exercise 1- How to communicate effectively

ACTIVITY

Exercise 2- Tools to build a Successful Relationship

Exercise 3- Improving Communication in a Relationship

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 3 – EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Exercise 1- Barriers to Communication

ACTIVITY

Exercise 2- How to Overcome Barriers

 

MODULE 4 – UNDERSTANDING COMMUNICATION

Exercise 1- Hearing vs Listening

               Exercise 2- Definition

ACTIVITY

Exercise 3- Motives for Listening

ACTIVITY

               Exercise 4- Benefits of Listening

Exercise 5- Barriers to Listening

ACTIVITY

Exercise 6- Overcoming Obstacles to Listening

ACTIVITY

MODULE 5 – PITFALLS IN COMMUNICATION

Exercise 1- Pitfalls to Avoid in Communication

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 6 – GENDER COMMUNICATION (GENDERLECT)  

Exercise 1- Communicating to a Man

Exercise 2 – Communicating to a Woman

 

MODULE 7 – TEMPERAMENT AND COMMUNICATION

Exercise 1- Introduction

Exercise 2- Cholerics

Exercise 3- Sanguines

Exercise 4- Phlegmatics

Exercise 5- Melancholics

OBJECTIVES:

To enable couples, disseminate information in ways that their partners would appreciate and understand them

To facilitate connections and intimacy between couples by helping them understand the place of timing, attitude and temperaments in communication.

To learn how to communicate effectively so as to avoid needless arguments that occurs regularly in relationships as a result of poor communication.

To be able to understanding the underlying cause of fear in communication in a relationship

 

LECTURE OVERVIEW

MODULE 1- UNDERSTANDING COMMUNICATION

Introduction (The Power of Communication)

The word “Communication” comes from the Latin word which essentially means “to share.” The idea of sharing in this definition clearly shows that communication cannot be a one-way thing. It must be at least two-way street between a sender and receiver who intermittently switch roles due to their understanding of each other.

The process of communication not only helps people to share information, but also build mental and emotional pathways that become the platform for sharing effectively in the future. In general, communication is the platform for connecting people.

 

 

Exercise 1- Why Communication is important

 

Exercise 2- Shared Meaning in Communication

• Communication is not complete until the receiver responds appropriately either in words or actions. This response is the feedback that guarantees that the signal sent was well received and that the communication effort of the sender was effective.

• This thrives on shared meaning of reality i.e. two or more parties can only communicate effectively if they have common understanding of reality such that they are able to interpret the signals being sent across from their own frame of experience or learning and respond accordingly.

• Communication in relationships or marriage is when two people are able to share everything about their lives with common understanding in a way that enhances their relationship and develops intimacy.

• Without this, effective communication is practically impossible. Hence effective communication is only possible when both parties share a sense of meaning and reality that enables them interpret each other’s codes and respond appropriately.

• In relationships and marriages therefore, partners must consistently seek to build a common sense of reality that helps them develop common codes that make their communication efforts effective and smooth.

• Understanding is a lot easier to achieve when people are better able to make sense of each other’s language, style and even ethos.

ACTIVITY

• Do you and your spouse have a strong sense of shared meanings?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your relationship?

 

Exercise 3 – Good communication in a Relationship

ACTIVITY

• What value do you place on communication in your relationship?
• How often do you and your partner talk about your communication?

 

Exercise 4 – Benefits of Good Communication in a Relationship

 

 

MODULE 2- COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY

Exercise 1- How to communicate Effectively

Everyone in a relationship brings his or her own vocabulary to the relationship. Unless definitions are clarified, the words that partners speak to each other cannot be understood. A message shared between you and your significant other can be easily misinterpreted, depending on how it is worded or even simply because it is incorrectly received by your partner.

Sometimes even a written message gets messed up. When two people in a relationship are communicating, there is more than just one layer of messaging. There are actually about seven, and this is where the problem usually lies.

• First, you have something you want to get across to the other person. This is the original intended meaning.

• Second, is what you actually say.

Now turning to your partner,

• Thirdis what your partner hears while filtering and processing the information

• Fourthis what your partner thinks he or she heard.

• Fifthis what your spouse says about what you said

• Sixthis what you think your spouse said about what you said.

• Seventh is what your partner actually said but was not either heard or understood.

This is what the often-complicated process of communication looks like. It is here that a lot of information is often lost and misinformation takes place. If you’re going to surmount this obstacle in your relationship, you must see communication as the process of sharing yourself verbally and nonverbally with your partner in such a way that both of you understand and accept what you say. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement; but the listener can accept that what is said your perspective on the issue at hand – the way you believe or feel about something.

This would require that you understand the power of words and use it very cautiously. Words have never been cheap; they can either build up or destroy. People who underestimate the power of their words tend to cause more havoc than good with them.

 

Exercise 2 – Tools to build a Successful Relationship

Carefully consider the following if you want to use words as tools to build a successful relationship.

• What You Say to Your Spouse- Words have tremendous power. They can heal, support, and comfort, or they can wound. Not only are words powerful but they also spread like wild fire. Have you ever wondered how rumours spread? Have you also been hurt by an unkind story told about you? Words are indeed a double-edged sword; it can wound and bind up. Be mindful of what you say to your partner.

 

• What You Say to Yourself- Every day we carry on conversations with ourselves. It’s all right. It doesn’t mean we’re odd or on the verge of spacing out. It’s normal to talk to oneself.But are you aware that;
  • Most of your emotions – such as anger, depression, guilt, worry – are initiated and escalated by your self-talk?
  • The way you behave toward your partner is determined mostly by your self-talk and not his or her behaviour?
  • What you say, and how you say it, is a direct expression of what you say to yourself?
  • Self-talk is what you tell yourself–the words you say to yourself about yourself, your spouse, your experiences, the past, and the future. It affects your attitudes, values and beliefs.
  • This is something to become very aware of for the health of your relationship.

• Think Before You Speak- Do you remember the old statement, ‘Make sure your brain is in gear before you engage your mouth’? When you take time to think before you speak, you can evaluate, edit and consider the impact of your words on partner. Avoid at all costs, communicating without first processing what it is that you are about to say to your partner as well as how he or she might receive it. Sometimes you have to rephrase or adopt other means of getting through to your significant other just so that you communicate the truth affectionately and, in a way, that he or she is receptive.

• Lovingly speak the truth- Is it possible to tell the truth and yet hold back part of it because the other person is not ready for all the facts? Perhaps. But does holding back part of the information cause the person to think the opposite of what the truth actually is? That’s something to think about! There’s a very thin line between protecting withholding the truth and standing on the fringes of deception. Remember, relationships must be based on truth and trust. However, everything must be done in love. For example, when a woman asks her husband “How do you like my dress? How does it look on me?”Often a husband will say, “Fine”even though he doesn’t like the dress and it doesn’t look good on his wife. Let’s hope the wife was being truthful in asking the question! Was she looking for an answer to her question or was she wanting her ego built up? In this situation it would be better if the husband honestly shares his feelings. Relationships are built on trust, and there can be no trust unless there is truthfulness. Answering a question like this, as well as hundreds of others in a romantic relationship requires tact! “I think I’ve seen you in other dresses I like better” is a much better response than “Huh! It sure shows off your weight. Be careful about how you speak the truth. Be sensitive to the other person and the ways in which you can make him or her receptive to words of truth. Do not rip the person apart and scar him or her emotionally by frank, honest words that carry a tinge of brutality! Truth must be accompanied by love, tact and deep concern for the other person. There is a close correlation between truth and trust in a relationship.

• Avoid Quarrelling- Does this mean that couples aren’t going to have conflicts? Not at all. Two unique and different individuals cannot come together without adjustment and conflict. The individual tastes, preferences, habits, likes and dislikes, personality differences, values and standards will confront each other. But remember, conflict is not the same as quarrelling. Disagreeing is not the same as quarrelling. Verbal conflict in itself is not harmful; it can open doors of communication. On the other hand, a quarrel is defined as verbal strife in which the emotions have taken over and the focus is more on the other person than on resolving the problem. When the quarrel is over, there is usually a greater distance between the couple or a residual bad feeling.

• Avoid Criticizing- Criticism is a special brand of communication that cuts and destroys. Its purpose is not to resolve conflict or draw a spouse closer. It’s a way to either feel justified and superior or release anger. Every time you criticize, you find fault. You’re saying to the other person, “You’re defective in some way and I don’t accept you.”Criticism does have an effect on the other person; he or she will turn you off, counterattack or become resentful.

All couples have complaints to voice from time to time. That’s normal. Complaints, however, can be voiced in a way that a partner will hear them and not become defensive. For example, instead of focusing upon what annoys you, talk more about what you would appreciate your partner doing. Your partner will be much more likely to hear you and consider your request. Talking about what you don’t like just reinforces the possibility of its continuance with even greater intensity. The principle of pointing your partner toward what you would like conveys that you believe he or she is capable of doing what you have requested. If you do this consistently, along with giving praise and appreciation when your spouse complies, you will see a change. This way of relating to your spouse accomplishes much more than criticism.

 

Exercise 3- Improving Communication in a Relationship

Here are a few ways you can immediately improve your communication with the person you’re in a relationship with;

• Listen to what your partner has to say:don’t just act like you’re listening. Take actual mental and where necessary written notes of what they are saying. It helps you understand their thoughts and feelings as well as gives them a sense of significance which is a very powerful key to openness

• Focus on the issues at hand:bringing up past mistakes only reopens covered wounds and this can lead to an argument.

• Be sensitive for the right time to have a conversation:don’t bring up a matter at an inappropriate time like when one of you is in a rush or really upset. It can ruin the chances of ever getting the matter resolved.

• Approach the situation calmly: don’t resort to personality attacking. Pointing accusing fingers and making the other person the object of accusation will only lead to defensiveness which hinders open communication.

• Talk in person:try as much as possible to avoid discussing serious issues over the phone or via text. Waiting until you’re face to face can be herculean especially if it is such an emotional issue. But it’s best to do this when you can physically see the other person’s reactions and avoid unnecessary assumptions.

 

ACTIVITY

On a scale of 1 to 10, rate the effectiveness of your communication in your relationship. (Do this with your partner)

Discuss this exercise with your spouse and list the areas you both believe you can improve your communication with each other.

 

 

MODULE 3 – EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

 

Exercise 1- Barriers to Communication

Here are a few barriers that you must overcome in order to communicate effectively with your partner.

• Use of Jargon:Over-complicated, unfamiliar and/or technical terms. Avoid these, stay as simple as possible. Simplicity empowers communication, makes you more easily understandable and delivers the best results.

• Emotional barriers:Some people may find it difficult to express their emotions and some topics may be completely ‘off limits’ or taboo. Taboo or difficult subject matters can become the reason issues remain unresolved and communication is halted.

• Lack of attention and interestcaused by distractions or irrelevance to the receiver. If the receiving party finds the conversation completely irrelevant to them, there is little or no hope of effective communication as they would make no effort to understand

• Physical Barriers to non-verbal communication:Not being able to see the non-verbal cues, gestures, postures and general body language can make communication less effective. Phone calls, text messages and other communication methods that rely on technology are often less effective than face to face communication.

• Differences in perception and Viewpoint;where you and your partner tend to see issues differently a lot, you could find yourselves unable to enjoy smooth communication as a lot of divergence would characterize your efforts. That’s why I mentioned in Exercise 1b that meanings must be shared.

• Expectations and Prejudices;which may lead to false assumptions or stereotyping. Hearing what you expect to hear rather than what is actually said and as a result to jump to incorrect conclusions

ACTIVITY

(Group Discussion)

• Highlight the barriers that frequently show up when you are trying to communicate with your partner and ways in which you intend to surmount them.

 

Exercise 2- How to Overcome Barriers

The barriers we just identified in this exercise don’t have to pass a death sentence over your relationship with your significant other. They can be surmounted by doing the following things;

Find the right time; quite often, when something is bothering you, you may feel like getting it over with right away and as a result, become impatient. Finding the right time to talk about something is as important as talking about the issue itself. Waiting till you’re in the same place with your partner and both of you can give each other full attention can make all the difference.

Be Honest with Each Other; honest communication is key to communicating effectively. Expressing your feelings openly allows you to release whatever tension you may have in your mind over the issue.

Check Your Body Language; body language says a lot in communication. Remember communication is not only verbal. Make eye contact and be sure to listen not only with your ears, but with your whole body. Inclining your body towards the person speaking to you for example, allows your significant other feel like they have your full attention.

Observe the 48 Hour Rule; waiting often reveals the true nature of our emotions. Sometimes they’re not strong enough to last the wait so we let them pass. Other times they’re so deep, we may have to talk about it. I will recommend you wait 48 hours before bringing it up. If it dies off, then you may choose to let it go. But if it lingers, then you should talk about it with your significant other but only after you have waited. This rule however doesn’t apply where it’s an emergency like a threat to health or life.

Don’t Attack; often times when emotions are heightened, there’s the temptation to attack your partner only to later regret and apologize. You may come across as mean and unkind. To avoid this, express your feelings in a way that express your positive desires like “I would appreciate it if you…” or “I think we can work on…”

Listen; listening is really tough when we feel like we need to let something off our chest. But we must never forget that communication is still a two-way street. Even as you want to be heard, you must give your partner a fair hearing as well by listening.

Be Clear about What You Want; if you go into a conversation without having a clear idea about what you want to say, it can be frustrating for both you and your partner. So, before you start the conversation at all, do a mental check and be sure that you’re precise about what you desire and communicate it accordingly. Things would go smoother that way.

Have an Open Mind; if you go into a conversation with a preconceived notion, you will also already have your response premeditated. This will block whatever effort your partner is making at getting their thoughts and feelings across to you. It is important to ensure that your mind stays open to understand your partner and eventually be able to give the right kind of feedback.

Don’t Stress About it; having talked about this so much, you may become a little agitated about it especially if you see that you have made mistakes in these areas before now. But don’t invest valuable time worrying about. Give your attention to improving. Stressing about it will only make it worse.

Talk face to face; in these days of technology-based communication, it is very easy to misinterpret conversations. The best way is to talk face to face. It allows you to ensure that nothing is misunderstood.

 

 

MODULE 4 – UNDERSTANDING COMMUNICATION

 

Exercise 1- Hearing vs Listening

 

Exercise 2 – Definition

Let’s look at the following definitions of listening when it pertains to communicating with your significant other;

• Listening means that you’re not thinking about what you’re going to say when he or she stops talking. You are not busy formulating your response. You’re concentrating on what is being said and you’re putting into practice.

• Listening means that you’re completely accepting of what is being said, without judging what the person is saying or how he or she is saying it. If you don’t like your spouse’s tone of voice or words used and you react on the spot, you may miss the meaning. Perhaps your spouse hasn’t said it in the best way, but why not listen and then come back later – when both of you are calm – to discuss the proper wording and tone of voice?

• Acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with the content of what your spouse says. It means that you acknowledge and understand that what your spouse is saying is something he or she is feeling.

• Listening means being able to repeat what your spouse has said and express what you think he or she was feeling while speaking to you. Real listening means having an interest in your spouse’s feelings and opinions and attempting to understand those feelings from his or her perspective.

• Listening is paying attention to what is going on. It is an active openness toward your spouse.

• Listening is putting your whole self in a position to respond to whatever he or she cares to say.

• Listening to your spouse means letting go of your concerns, wants and investment in your own position long enough to consider the other person. When you are doing the talking, you’re not usually learning. But you learn when you listen.

• Listening is a learnable skill. Your mind and ears can be taught to hear more keenly; your eyes can be taught to see more clearly. You can also learn to hear with your eyes and see with your ears.

As you listen to your partner, you need to pay heed to what he or she is saying. It requires tuning into the right frequency. When you have moved from merely hearing what was said by your partner to actually hearing their feelings, desires and expectations, you have moved to listening.

ACTIVITY

• Would you consider yourself a good listener?
• If “NO”, what steps can you take to improve on your listening?

 

Exercise 3 – Motives for Listening

ACTIVITY

• Do you practice sensitive listening? Yes/No
• How has this impacted upon the quality of your relationship with your significant other?

 

Exercise 4 – Benefits of Listening

• Listening makes your partner feel very important in the relationship. When you listen to someone, you suggest to them that they are significant and this is fundamental for anyone to feel appreciated and valued in any relationship. People naturally feel connected to those who listen to them the most. It encourages them to give their best to the success of that relationship.

• It helps reduce resistance and opens our thinking to possible solutions. When your spouse feels like their thoughts and feelings are heard by an unbiased listener, he or she is more likely to be open and willing to see all the opportunities available to achieving progress for the common good.

• Listening makes it possible for both sides in a conflict to have a change of heart. When there is conflict, good listening by both partners makes it easy for frayed nerves to be calmed. Everybody’s interest is acknowledged and the relationship is protected.

• It builds solid, intimate and lasting relationships. This is an almost immediate fruit of good listening. Listening allows people to share their deepest selves. It gives both partners beyond surface knowledge of each other which automatically enhances their experiences and their ability to keep one another happy and satisfied. This also reduces the tendency for conflict or crisis to erupt.

• It leads you to gain knowledge and wisdom. Listening closes knowledge gaps so that loopholes that would have otherwise turned out problematic are covered keeping the relationship watertight. The knowledge value of listening has direct implications on the fact that people better understand their issues and are not only able to troubleshoot better, but also plan to forestall a recurrence of unwanted scenarios in their relationship.

 

Exercise 5 – Barriers to Listening

In order for sensitive listening to occur, we need to be aware of some of the common obstacles to communication. They include;

• Defensiveness- If your mind is busy thinking up a rebuttal, excuse or exception to what your partner is saying, you will miss the message. Consider the following defensive response “All right, I know just what you’re going to say. We’ve been through this before and it’s the same old thing.”
  • Prejudging a communication effort as uninteresting or unimportant lifts the burden of listening off your shoulders and frees your attention to wander elsewhere. Hence you’re not really present in the conversation. But you are cheating both yourself and your partner in doing this. While your spouse is not being given a fair hearing, you are being deprived of what may be useful information. Always avoid making prejudicial assumptions about your partner’s communication effort. Be in the moment and draw all that you can from it without jumping to unverified conclusions.
  • Another form of defensive response is rehearsing your responses. This is often a product of making prejudicial assumptions. You have already assumed on what the person is going to say and have also gone ahead to prepare a response that you consider appropriate for it. It prevents you from actually listening to the person afresh.

• Personal Biases- Generally speaking, this happens when you already have a biased attitude toward a person who speaks in a certain tone of voice, a person of a certain ethnic group, someone of the opposite sex, someone who reminds you of a person from your past and so on, which causes you to reject the person or their personality without listening to what the person has to say. In effect you don’t listen to that person because you already assume, they’re a certain way.
  • This will obviously affect how well you listen. Some people are distracted from listening because of the gender of the person speaking. They are influenced by their expectations of what is appropriate for a man or woman to share or not share. Some people may listen more or less attentively to someone who is in a position of authority over them, in a lesser position or simply in a prestigious position. These stereotypes affect how you listen to people and will definitely spill over into your relationship.
  • Bringing this home to the marriage situation, some men believe that a woman should always be quiet and listen where men are. So no matter how wise her counsel is, he will never acknowledge it just because it’s coming from his wife. Or it may be the bias of a wife who is already prejudiced that her husband is critical. She may blank out and ignore the message that her husband is trying to pass across, even for once.

• Lack of Understanding of Different Listening Styles- This is the result of gender differences in listening and conversation. Women tend to use more verbal responses to encourage the talker. They’re more likely than men to use listening signals like “mm-hmmm”and “yeah”just to indicate they are listening.

A man will use this response only when he’s agreeing with what his partner is             saying. You can imagine what the outcome could be. A husband interprets his wife’s listening responses as signs that she agrees with him, but later on discovers that she wasn’t agreeing with him at all. He didn’t realize she was simply indicating her interest in what he was saying and in keeping the interchange going. His wife on the other hand, may feel ignored and disappointed because he doesn’t make the same listening responses she does. She interprets his quietness as not caring.

A man is more likely than a woman to make comments throughout the conversation. But a woman may feel bothered after she’s been interrupted or hasn’t been given any listening feedback.

This contrast between the listening and talking styles of men and women is an indicator of why misunderstandings arise. A wife might easily perceive her husband as uninterested or unresponsive. That may not be the case as it may just be his way of responding to everyone, not just to her.

Understanding and accepting these differences can help you accept your partner’s style without taking offense. It will enhance your communication to adapt and even use your partner’s style in order to bridge the differences.

Making your partner more comfortable by adopting their own style is an act of love that will not go unacknowledged.

• The Tendency to Interrupt- When you feel like the other person isn’t getting to the point fast enough, you may start asking for information that you assume would be forthcoming anyway. This discourages your partner from telling you all that is on their mind. They feel like you will cut them off anyway, so why take the effort to open up to you. You have to maintain the discipline to keep listening for all that your partner wants to say. It may also be important to note here that you don’t always have to respond to everything that is said. Sometimes all that is needed is your listening ear, and if you have to, avoid the need to interrupt by making mental or written notes of the things you need to respond to, which you can address after the talking.  This gives your partner a sense of confidence that there’s someone they can always share anything with. You will also do well to show this to your partner through responses like ‘I’ve heard all that you said and I just want you to know that I will always be here for you.’It gives your partner a strong sense of security even when you have not offered to solve the problem directly.

• Mental Overload- This can be a major stumbling block as you have too much going on in your mind such that you are unable to focus on what your partner is saying. You have to create time when you would have cleared out the load in your mind so that your spouse can freely unburden themselves. You can also prepare for conversations by getting rid of the clutter ahead of time. On your way home from work for example, if you know that your partner is the type that likes to talk after a day’s work, you may want to use the journey home to declutter and clear your head so that when you get home you are ready to listen.

• Inappropriate Timing- This happens very often when you’re either in a hurry to go somewhere or do something and your partner wishes to speak with you about something, they consider very important. Some men for example, dislike being woken up in the middle of the night for an ‘important talk’ (many women adopt this approach), or when they are hungry. You may fall for the temptation of pretending to listen while you focus your mental energy on where you are going or what you intend to do. The solution to this is to explain to your partner how tough it is for you to listen well at that time not just because you are looking for a quick way out, but because you really want to listen carefully. Ensure to agree on an appropriate time and keep that appointment. It communicates intention and respect.

• Physical Exhaustion- If you’re physically tired, it’s most likely that you’re mentally fatigued as well. Don’t stress it. While you want to stay sensitive, you also want to ensure that you’re in the best shape to assimilate what is being said and make value judgments. So you can appeal to your partner to give you a little time to rest so you can be fresh and strong for the conversation.

• Selective Attention- A lot of people practice this. They listen to what they want by sieving or screening the information being shared till all they hear is what they want to hear. This is often informed by your attitude to the person or even to the subject matter. Be intentional about ensuring that you’re listening to everything objectively. Listen attentively, take notes if necessary. Remember, listening is not only about gathering information but also about understanding and communicating love and support for your partner. So even when it appears that they are rambling, you are willing to listen because it enhances the effectiveness of your communication effort.

• Gadgets- We live in an age where we are all hooked on gadgets, smartphones, TV, tablets and all sorts. It may sound exaggerative that someone will be on their gadget while their spouse is talking to them, but it happens! They may not overtly make calls, but they are ready to pick calls when they come in, or ‘send and urgent sms’. This is not only rude, it communicates disrespect for the union.

ACTIVITY

• Identify the barriers as mentioned in this exercise that you know have hindered your ability to listen to your spouse.
• List out ways you will ensure that you listen to your partner more qualitatively.
• What for you, is the best timing for you to listen to your spouse?

 

Exercise 6 – Overcoming Obstacles to Listening

If you are going to communicate effectively with your spouse you must first overcome the obstacles to your listening.

The first step to overcoming an obstacle is to identify it. When this happens, it eases your ability to apply practical solutions to surmounting it.

However, here are a few general steps that you will find helpful.

• Understand What You Feel About Your Spouse:How you view your partner affects how you listen to him or her. Your communication with people is collared by how you view them. This view may have been shaped by your observations of their past performance or by your own defensiveness. Being aware of how these impacts upon your ability to intelligently listen to your spouse without the obstacle getting in the way.

• Listen with Your Whole Body:Concentrate on the person and the message. Give your undivided attention. Turn off the TV or mobile devices when there is an important matter to talk about. Set aside what you’re doing and listen. This helps you take in as much as possible. You are able to receive the verbal and nonverbal messages your partner is communicating as well as communicate full attention and interest in your partner.

• Be Patient:If your spouse is a slow or hesitant talker, you may have a tendency to jump in whenever you find an opening and finish a statement or hurry your spouse along. You can’t assume that you really know what is going to be said. You have to be patient while listening. Learn to give the benefit of the doubt.

 

ACTIVITY

• Discuss with your partner what you both perceive to be obstacles as you try to communicate with each other and share ideas on how you can deal with them together.

MODULE 5 – PITFALLS IN COMMUNICATION

Exercise 1- Pitfalls to Avoid in Communication

ACTIVITY

• Have an honest conversation with your partner and list out all the things that get in the way when you both try to communicate. Ensure to identify the pitfalls you sense from each other as you do this.

 

MODULE 6 – GENDER COMMUNICATION (GENDERLECT)  

Exercise 1- Communicating to a Man

There are Four (4) basic recommendations for women who want to communicate and connect with men: The following sections contain four strategies for women who want men to hear them. If you practice one of these strategies each week, you’ll quickly alter the way others perceive you.  The prerequisite is to start listening to yourself. Awareness is the first step to any behavioural change. Accept and grow, or be left in the dust.

• Strategy 1: Avoid apologies.

Women tend to be more apologetic or contrite than men. Even confident women sometimes unsuspectingly use power-robbing devices in their speech. If you have something to say, don’t apologize for saying it. Here are some specific kinds of apologies:

• Prefacing and Tagging– Prefacing and tagging refer to those little extra words before and after a statement: Prefacing:leading into a statement with a phrase that weakens it. For example, “I’m not sure about this, but…”
• Tagging:adding a qualifying phrase at the end of a statement. For example, “We should take action, don’t you think?” “Don’t you think” and “Am I right?” are typical tags.
• Questioning Tone-A questioning tone is an intonation that goes up a little at the end of a sentence. This tone takes the power right out of an otherwise declarative sentence. To the listener, the speaker sounds like she is unsure and lacks self-confidence. What the tone communicates is, “Don’t you agree?” Or worse, “Please agree quickly, so that I know what I just said has value.” If you don’t have confidence in what you say, how can you expect anybody else to have faith in you? Listen to yourself or ask a trusted friend. If you find that you have this damaging habit, start practicing today to get rid of it. Remember, awareness is the first step to behavioural change, and you are now aware.
• Qualifiers– Women tend to use many little words like “kind of” and “sort of” that rob their statements of power. If you use these phrases, it is a habit. You can break this habit and bring more power into your speech right now. A few examples are:

“I kind of think that…” “We probably should really…”
“It seems like a fairly good way to…” “Kind of/sort of…”
“You maybe need to…” These phrases don’t just contain extra words, they contain unsure and indecisive words.

 

• Strategy 2: Be Brief.

For women, talk is relationships. Men use talk to exchange information. Men and women bond differently. Men bond through competitive mind games with their knowledge banks. Women bond through stories. They talk to build a relationship. Women generally use more details in their conversations than men. The information you want the male listener to hear may be lost in all the details. Watch for signs that a male listener is glazing over, and cut down on the number of words immediately. In fact, tell men right at the start how long the story will take and stay within the allotted time. Men feel they are responsible for the energy they allot to a certain activity. So, they feel they need to “set their energy clocks,” so they don’t run out of energy. Running out of energy make them feel out of control – a feeling they hate.

• Strategy 3: Be Direct– don’t hint. Make sure that you are direct – even to the point of spelling something out. Men, more so than women, require clear messages as well as brief ones.

• Strategy 4: Avoid emotional displays.

Crying or other emotional displays in a discussion can be very distracting. Men have been socialized to be less emotionally demonstrative. Women cry four times more frequently than men, according to a Minnesota-based study research. Crying also annoys and angers people who have shut off their own feeling. If they don’t want to deal with their own feelings, they don’t want to deal with anyone else’s. Men may feel a woman who cries is being manipulative.

Exercise 2- Communicating to a Woman

There are Five (5) basic recommendations for improving how you communicate and connect with a woman: Men, start with these tips:

• Create time to be with her- most women don’t really care about what you do for them as much as what you do with them. That is right; make time to be with them. Why the blank stare men? We set aside time to watch sports, eat and have sex, don’t we? Why should communication with your woman be any different? You have to block off an hour or two for quality time with her (particularly if that’s her love language), whenever possible. Prioritize it. Discuss work, your relationship, and your feelings…Just talk. In addition, don’t shy away from explaining to her what you need from her. Too many men have a problem with this.

• Learn to listen to her– It’s not that hard to be an active listener but it does require a few traits that men sometimes find elusive: patience, concentration and humility. It requires patience because women need you to listen and give them time to express themselves. Concentration is pivotal because you have to not only look at her, but also focus on her: her eyes, her body language and her voice. What is she saying or not saying? What is she telling you or keeping from you? Concentrate on concentrating when she is talking. You can’t be reading, listening to news, playing games and claim to be listening to her.

• You need humility because a lot of men have a problem letting someone else take the floor for an extended period of time. They like to hear their own voice and want others to hear it too. These men want to dominate the conversation and control the centre court, so to speak. This is not, sad to say, a trait conducive to building good communication and relationship rapport. So toss your ego aside and let her speak. And above all else, let her have the last word once in a while. Hint: It’s not a sign of masculine weakness to do so.

 

• Focus on her nonverbal communication- Some men are clueless, they either fail to pick up on nonverbal hints from their partner on purpose, or just plainly have no sensitivity radar at all.
• Here’s the lowdown:Nonverbal communication includes gestures, movements, facial expressions and other physical forms of body language. Take note, however; it also includes tone of voice, sighs, screams, and vocal pitch and volume.
• Pay attention to all of these whenever you communicate with your lady.
  In good and bad times, nonverbal communication will serve as an instant sign as to how she feels about you at that very moment, not to mention how she feels in general. No matter what word she chooses, her body language cannot mask her real emotions.
• Let her know you care- This is where most of us men get very much behind. Our competitive nature compels us to try to win every fight, to the point where we forget the one simple tenet about relationship conflict: There should be no winner. It’s time to stop thinking of every conflict as a fight or chance to get the upper hand and use speech-making until she admits you’re right. That’s not the end goal you should want in the long run. Because if it is, your woman is going to resent you before long. Not good. Which brings me to my point: Let her know, no matter how bad, how intense and how passionate the fight that you care. Amidst all your rage and even when tempers flare, take a deep breath and do something to let her know that when all is said and done, that you still love her.

 

Do not be one of these guys-

• The Pretender:This is the man who has the appearances of an active listener but at the end of the day, does not give a damn about what his woman has to say. But give him credit; he manages to fool her almost every time. Too bad he has no idea how she feels at any given moment. His mind is on “more important” things, like his ipad, football match, golf game, other women, business, etc. Sir, stop this attitude and give your partner the real attention that she deserves.

• The Stage controller:This big baby has to have all the attention, all the time. He loves to hear the sound of his own voice, to the detriment of his own relationship. Whenever possible, he shifts the focus of the conversation to himself, even if he has done his woman wrong. he feels too big to say “i am sorry.” he will rather explain than apologize.

• The Trap-Setter:This selfish type listens to what he wants to hear. He is a selective active listener who turns the tables on his victim to use what she had to say against her at another point in time. His sole goal is to humiliate his woman the next time they fight and ensnare her to make himself look good. But to whom? In
  the long run, nobody.

• The Contradictor:This type can take on many forms. He either refuses toacknowledge that there is a problem or unleashes a fierce temper until he gets his way, or worse yet; he turns his back anytime conflict arises. The bottom line though, is that, this Adult-child can never take responsibility for his actions or recognize that something is amiss.
• The Insensitive Jerk: This non-communicator can inhabit the body of any other type at any point in time. He is selfish and has his own agenda in mind every time he fights with his woman. For one reason or another, he refuses to show compassion or admit when he is wrong. He can be abusive in a verbal manner or on the other side of the spectrum, hold his emotions in check so that his lady has no idea what is going on inside his small, dysfunctional head. Everyone hates Insensitive Jerks. Do not be him.

 

MODULE 7 – TEMPERAMENT AND COMMUNICATION

Exercise 1- Introduction

Exercise 2- Cholerics

Exercise 3 – Sanguines

Exercise 4 – Phlegmatics

Exercise 5 – Melancholics