SEX IN MARRIAGE

 

COURSE: SEX IN MARRIAGE

 

MODULE 1

Exercise 1- Introduction

Images and talk of sex bombard us daily in our world today. These images are on TV, in magazines, in films, in adverts, on billboards phones and screens. They are constantly on our radar.

This leads to expectations that our sex life will be great, and full of fun and passion, and be awesome all the time. Another worrying trend today is that

• Sex in Marriage

sex is elevated and equated with true love. Most people think good sex is synonymous with good love. And that sex will solve all forms of crisis and conflicts in marriage. This distorted view has given rise to harrowing consequences.

• Definition and meaning of sex in marriage

This clearly does not mean it is wrong to enjoy sex; for sex is a key part of strong, secure relationships. Rather, the problem is against us putting pleasure-seeking first, and overlooking what will really satisfy the couple most: an emotional connection which conveys that we are loved.

 

Exercise 2 – Why sex is important

 

Exercise 3 – The Benefits of Sex

There are many reasons to have quality sex in a supportive relationship.

Sexual activity is linked to:

• Physical Benefits

It’s fairly intuitive that sex would improve emotional health, but there are a number of physical benefits as well. Some of these include:

• Improved Physical Fitness
• Better Immune Function
• Reduced Pain
• Lower blood pressure

 

• Psychological Benefits
• Happiness
• Stress Relief
• Improved Mood
• Improved Self-Image

 Relationship Benefits

Having sex often can benefit you and your partner individually, but it can also help your relationship in a number of ways.

• Connect emotionally

The release of oxytocin, in addition to being calming, can contribute to bonding and greater emotional intimacy

• Having regular sex can increase your level of commitment. Couples are more likely to stay together when they can express their love in this way, and the divorce rate is significantly lower

 

Exercise 4- Types of Sex

The two broad types of healthy marital sex

• Kevin A. Thompson
  • Spontaneous sex
  • Scheduled sex
  • Maintenance sex

 

• Emotional Focused Sex by Sue Johnson
  • Sealed-off sex
  • Solace sex
  • Synchrony

 

MODULE 2 – TYPES OF SEX

Exercise 1 – Spontaneous Sex

Exercise 2 – Scheduled Sex

Exercise 3 – Maintenance Sex

 

ACTIVITY

Take time to discuss all three types with your partner and find out which area could use some improvement.

 

 

MODULE 3

Exercise 1

• Emotionally Focused Therapy(EFT) Whatreally determines what kind of sex you are going to have isn’t the novel positions you find in the sex manual or the new tips in the latest magazine. It’s how safely attached you are to your partner. Emotional presence and trust are the biggest aphrodisiacs of all.

According to Dr Sue Johnson, there are three kinds of sex which are typically seen in intimate relationships. These are:

• Sealed-offsex
• Solace sex, and
• Synchrony

 

Exercise 2 – Meaning of Sealed-Off Sex

 

Exercise 3 – Attributes and problems associated with sealed-off sex

 

ACTIVITY

• Suggest some other possible reasons for engaging in sealed-off sex

 

Exercise 4 – Solace Sex

 

Exercise 5 – Attributes and problems associated with Solace Sex

 

ACTIVITY

Suggest some other possible reasons for engaging in solace sex

 

Exercise 6 – Synchrony Sex

 

Exercise 7 – Attributes and problems associated with Synchrony Sex

 

Exercise 8 – Conclusion

Passion and desire wax and wane, and change, with time. This is common, and it’s normal, in all close relationships. What is crucial is staying open and being vulnerable and real so the couple stay connected and can share their hopes and fears.

Practice and emotional presence make perfect. It is the best guide for erotic and satisfying sex

 

 

MODULE 4 – INHIBITIONS TO FULFILLING SEX IN MARRIAGE

• Expectations, Assumptions and Beliefs about Sex
• Pornography
• Sex as a Weapon of Control and Manipulation
• The vicious sex and Affection cycle

 

Exercise 1- Expectations, Assumptions and Beliefs about Sex

 

Exercise 2- Thoughts on sex

• Healthy or unhealthy
• Appropriate or inappropriate
• Permissive or restrictive
• Exciting or repressive
• Rewarding or Rewarding
• There can be a lot of baggage that’s attached to having sex

 

 

ACTIVITY

Think of how the following might affect our attitude towards sex:

• Growing up in a cold, authoritarian family where sex was taboo, orwas
• viewed as being “bad”.
• Growing up in a family where the children were encouraged to be proud of their bodies, and to view sex as being “a goodthing”.
• Being raped at age 10 by your older brother’s
• Being exposed to pornography from early childhoodonwards

 

 

Exercise 3- Contradictions

 

Exercise Consequences

When this occurs …

• It leads to self-rejection, and to embarrassment and shame – and we feel we can’t be honest about what we’d like to try.
• Yet, for most individuals there is nothing really wrong with what they’d like to introduce or try in their sex life.
• Instead, it’s the voices they’ve internalized which tell them “this is wrong”, and provoke shameful feelings, and the fear of being judged.
• Unfortunately, this stops them from developing an integrated self, and may call into question their integrity as well. (Because they see and judge themselves through certain other peoples’ eyes.)
• Splitting off parts of ourselves because we feel a sense of shame can often spark and fuel a secret private life instead (where our wants and needs are met in less adaptive, healthy)
• For example, we may start to view pornography, or visit a chat room – to feed that secret part of us we’ve hidden from our mate.
• Alternatively, we may repress our sexual self or act like “sex is bad”, and tell ourselves that sex is something we should not

 

 

Exercise 4- Pornography

 

Exercise 5- How does Pornography Affect Men

• Research findings indicate there is a correlation between the amount of pornography a man views and his level of interest in his long-term sexual partner. (Note: Interest here means his sexual desire for, and his sexual attraction to, his spouse or)

In summary, the more frequently a man views pornography, and the longer the period of time he does this for, the greater the likelihood that he will become detached from, and lose interest in, his partner or spouse.

 

• Related to this, a 2013 study by researchers at Brigham Young University and the University of Missouri found that men’s use of pornography was associated with lower sexual quality for both men and their

 

• Furthermore, when one partner uses pornography at a high frequency — typically men in heterosexual couples – then this is associated with an increased tendency to withdraw emotionally from the relationship, In addition, the men in these studies report increased secrecy in their relationships, less intimacy and higher levels ofdepression.4

 

• Research indicates that men who regularly view pornography generally show less empathy for women, have a greater tendency to objectify women, and are more likely to view women as sex objects (rather than as whole and complex individuals.5)

 

• Studies also show that the excessive viewing of pornography can affect the brain. As a result of this, the person may require more external stimulation to experience the same basic level of arousal and pleasure. This can lead to watching even more pornography – which causes the behaviour to become more entrenched and compulsive over time. It also leads to feelings of being trapped by the

 

• For many people, viewing pornography creates a deep sense of shame, humiliation, dissatisfaction and emptiness. This is especially true if the spouse or partner does not want the other person to view

 

However, it is crucial we point out that not all couples feel the same – for not

everybody thinks it’s problematic, or an issue. This is a crucial fact to bear in mind. What matters is its impact on each individual couple, and whether the two partners feel respected, safe and loved; and whether each feels valued, and listened to, and heard.

 

Exercise 5 – Problems of Pornography

 

Exercise 7 – Sex as a weapon of Control and Manipulation

Some people use sex as a manipulative tool.

Conscious use of sexuality for control and manipulation: The conscious use of sexuality as a weapon and control is to be aware that an individual or individuals desire a sexual experience for whatever reason. Then to use that desire to control and manipulate the individual to do particular types and kinds of actions.  People like this are sexually aggressive; usually their objective is their own sexual gratification.

 

Exercise 8 – How is sex used as weapon of Control and Manipulation

Use of sexuality for control and manipulation is really about programming and what we think and believe about sex. What we believe about sex will determine participation i.e. how we chose or do not choose to engage in sex.

• To controlthat drive is to get control over the essence of the individual. It is only nature that there will be rebellion when another attempts to exert this control. The way around this rebellion is to get sufficient control over the individual before they sexually mature and/or establish a sufficient programming and/or pattern of habits before sexual maturity that keeps the basic instinct to procreate under control of the programmed
• To manipulateis usually done by enticement. The suggestion of a sexual reward of some type is all that is used to entice us to do and/or act in some particular. Enticement in this manner can be a very powerful motivator.

The fact is that emotional manipulation can hold a person psychologically captive. What makes this kind of manipulation even more dangerous is that the person being manipulated might not even be aware that they’re being manipulated.

A skilled emotional manipulator will try to gain your trust, and will then slowly make sure they break down your self-worth and self-esteem until you start feeling worthless. You may start doubting yourself and your decisions.

In a sexual relationship, this creates a severe power imbalance. If you’re in a situation like this, you’re most likely slowly entering into an abusive sexual relationship

 

Exercise 9 – Attributes (victim to sexual/emotional manipulation).

 

Exercise 10 – The Vicious Sex and Affection Cycle

• Different male/female ways of connecting
• How to break the affection-sex vicious cycle.

 

Exercise 11- How to break the Vicious Sex and Affection Cycle

 

ACTIVITY

Develop a case study of affection-sex vicious cycle in marriage

 

 

 

MODULE 5: THE KEY COMPONENTS OF FULFILLING SEX

What are the key ingredients for fulfilling sex? EFT proposes three components. These are:

• A safe, secure and loving attachment to our partner orspouse
• Caregiving (being empathic towards, and attentive to, ourpartner)
• Physical pleasure and satisfaction (described as synchronysex)

Certainly, we can have closed-off sex where excitement’s the main goal, and achieving a great climax that’s intense and pleasurable. However, in long-term relationships this cannot be sustained if emotional needs are buried, or are not being faced and met. For loneliness and bitterness will soon enter the mix, and will dampen our desire to fully give ourselves in sex.

Also, if I’m using sex for comfort – or to calm the fears I have about not being good enough, or being wanted “just for me” – then “performance” and anxiety will always be there too. Hence, any peace and reassurance will be brief and transitory.

However, where sex is a reflection of a genuine, deep bond – where we want to please each other, and to be each other’s rock – then sex is truly meaningful, and reinforces love. That is, it’s rewarding and fulfilling; it’s the icing on the cake.

 

Exercise 2- How to Develop a more Rewarding Sex Life

Practice, experimenting acceptance and communication, fear

We “behave” our way into a new way of thinking – and to a way that’s more consistent with our true, authentic self. By doing this, we’re quietening the old critical voices which stop us from exploring this key aspect of ourselves.

• If you can talk about your sex life with your partner or your spouse, and can share your different fantasies, or wishes and desires then it also helps to strengthen your emotional bond as well (as you feel that you’ve been honest, and your partner understood.)
• Jointly decide to push past their current feelings of discomfort start exploring how they can begin to grow together in this important area of their relationship.
• Understand that uncomfortable feelings are likely still to hang over them as they start to move in the direction of novelty and change and that those feelings will likely dissipate over time, and will likely be replaced by a greater sense of fulfilment and happiness.
• Doing something which feels risky at the moment but which, ultimately, will free them up to be more fully themselves. That is, it is a shared journey into owning and embracing who they really are – and discovering new aspects of their partner, as well. Doing this will stir their passion, and will help keep it alive

 

Some Tips for Moving Forwards and Experimenting More

As was hinted at above, it can take courage to be honest – for we fear we’ll be rejected, or at least be harshly judged. And it’s important to admit this, and to give voice to our fears – as it’s part of being vulnerable and sharing everything.

The following suggestions might help the couple here:

• Start by talking about what is going well, and what you currently enjoy in your sexual

 

• When talking about sex, be as specific as you can be – for often we are vague because we feel uncomfortable. And although this could be viewed as being understandable, ideally it is something you should seek to overcome. After all, you’re already having sex and being intimate together. So, all you’re doing now is adding language to these

 

• Think about what might make it easier for your partner to tell you about their secret desires and private fantasies. To assist with this, do your best to create an environment which is safe, non- judgmental, curious and

 

• If your partner suggests something that’s surprising or distasteful, do not react with horror, judgment, anger or deep shock. If you do, then it is likely that your partner will feel awkward, and will not risk to being open and vulnerable again.

 

• When trying something different, it is best to take things slowly, and to realize you’ll likely feel uncomfortable at This is one of the main reasons why the old can seem appealing: at least it is familiar, even if it lacks somethrill.

 

Saying that, there are people who’re uncomfortable with going down this road; some reasons cited for this includes the following:

• Even though we may want to make love to our partner, old taboos or guilt feelings could still surface during sex. Hence, eyes-open sex could cause us to feel awkward or “bad”. (This is because there is some splitting in our psyche between what we know is natural and good … and the harsh, judgmental, legalistic voices from our)
• If we have a poor self-image, or we feel inadequate, then we may avoid eye contact as we fear that we’ll be
• If we carry old resentments, or have problems as a couple, then these can hamper closeness, and can put a barrier
• Similarly, if we’re going through the motions as we feel we must comply, we may “act the part” in sex – but still withhold our deepest (Doing this can be more difficult with eyes-open sex.)

 

 

 

Keeping Things in Perspective

There are often simple reasons for our low desire for sex. These are temporary, fleeting, and are easy to address. For example, a loss of interest in sex might be due to:

• A change in hormone levels – This can develop for a variety of reasons; but most commonly occurs when a woman is premenstrual, pregnant or menopausal. Also, contraceptive medications can negatively influence both the woman’s arousal levels and her interest in sex. This is something which can be discussed withthe client’s family doctor.
• Feeling stressed, worried or anxious – Anxiety and stress can interfere with our sex drive – as it’s hard to feel aroused when we are worried or distressed. Usually, hormone levels balance out once stress has been
• Feeling worn out and tired – When we’re tired and we’re drained then we lack the energy to give ourselves in sex – because we badly need to
• Use it or Lose it – If you have sex less and less … then it’s hard to get aroused. So, encourage clients to flirt and, thus, to keep that drive
• Feeling unattractive to our partner or spouse – Often, we feel we don’t match up to all the models on the screen, and we focus on our flaws and our perceived deficiencies. But sex is about you – and your shared love for one another. It’s not about an image, or some kind of
• Failure to attend to our personal hygiene – It can quickly kill desire if your partner slips up here. Also, you may need to be specific – and to state what bothers
• Feeling uncomfortable about initiating sex – If we fear we’ll be rejected then we’re likely to hold back and to hope the other person will initiate some sex. But this can soon backfire is you both lack confidence. So, both should be encouraged to initiate
• Not paying enough attention to foreplay – Good foreplay can add spice, and it can set the scene for sex … And you’ll enjoy your sex more if you can stretch the time out
• The excessive use of pornography – We become habituated and develop tolerances to normal sex at home – if we turn to pornography. (Note: This topic is discussed and addressed in Module)
• Lack of privacy – Children in the bedroom, or a door or two away can quickly kill our passion, and can put couples on edge. And this does present a challenge – but it can be worked around. Hence, we need to be creative and to carve out “alone time”.
• If they are not in sync

 

 

LIBRARY MATERIALS

THE BENEFITS OF SEX

EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS OF FREQUENT SEX

By Sheri Stritof

Updated July 25, 2019

Medically reviewed by Richard N. Fogoros, MD

 

There are many reasons to have sex more often, at least when it comes to quality sex in a supportive relationship.

More frequent sexual activity is linked to physical benefits, such as lower blood pressure, Emotional perks, such as reduced stress, and

relationship benefits, such as greater intimacy

lower divorce rate.¹ While there is not a magic number when it comes to the ideal frequency of sex, the results of a few studies can suggest a ballpark.

Physical Benefits

It’s fairly intuitive that sex would improve emotional health, but there are a number of physical benefits as well. Some of these include:

Improved Physical Fitness

Sex is a form of physical activity, and there are a number of studies linking exercise with better health. According to a statement from the American Heart Association, sexual activity is equivalent to moderate physical activities such as walking briskly or climbing two flights of stairs. The movements associated with sex can tighten and tone abdominal and pelvic muscles. For women, this improved muscle tone translates to better bladder control.

The 200 calories burned in 30 minutes of sex,⁵ combined with the reduction in food cravings associated with the chemicals released during sex, are beneficial as well.

Better Immune Function

Being more sexually active also has positive effects on immune function.⁶ This translates to a lower likelihood of getting a cold or the flu.

Reduced Pain

The endorphins mentioned above do more than lead to a sense of well-being and calm, but appear to reduce pain (such as migraines and back pain) as well.

Cardiac Effects

Sexual activity (but not masturbation) has been linked with lower systolic blood pressure.⁷ Elevated blood pressure, in turn, is associated with an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and more. It’s thought that sexual activity helps dilate blood vessels, increasing the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to the cells of the body while reducing blood pressure.

It’s important to note that having sex can also promote a heart attack in those at risk, but having sex more often may help reduce this concern. While sex can precipitate a heart attack, and anyone at risk should talk to their doctor before having sex, a 2011 study published in JAMA, found that this risk is diminished in people who have high levels of regular sexual activity. In other words, and similar to other forms of physical activity such as running, infrequent activity could put a strain on the blood flow to the arteries supplying the heart, but regular activity may be protective.

Brain Effects

In the past, studies in rats found that more frequent intercourse was correlated both with better cognitive function and the growth of new brain cells. Researchers are now learning that the same may be true in humans. A 2018 study looking at over 6,000 adults found that having sex more often was associated with better memory performance in adults ages 50 and older.

Sexual Effects

Being more sexually active actually boosts libido and increases vaginal lubrication in women. Making love is more often associated with lighter menstrual periods and less bothersome period cramps.

For men, while it was once thought that sex caused an increase in prostate cancer, a 2016 study found that men who had more ejaculations (21 or more per month) were less likely to develop the disease than men who had fewer (seven ejaculations or less per month). Since prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in men,⁸ this is worth noting.

Other Physical Effects

A number of other physical effects have been associated with more sexual activity, such as an improved sense of smell, healthier teeth, improved digestion, and that healthy-skin glow that’s related to an increase in the release of DHEA by the body.

Unsafe sex could tip the scale of benefits and risks in the opposite direction. Make sure you are familiar with safe sex practices.

Relationship Benefits

Having sex often can benefit you and your partner individually, but it can also help your relationship in a number of ways.

Having regular sex in a monogamous relationship can increase your level of commitment and help you connect emotionally. Couples are more likely to stay together when they can express their love in this way, and the divorce rate is significantly higher for couples who don’t.

The relational benefits of sex are assisted by the chemicals our bodies make: The release of oxytocin, in addition to being calming, can contribute to bonding and greater emotional intimacy.⁹

Challenges

We are wired from birth to crave the intimacy of sex, and lacking sex is one of the things that can lead people in a relationship to grow distant and, perhaps, look elsewhere.

It’s important to note, however, that an active sex life is sometimes difficult or impossible due to physical or psychological conditions. Couples can maintain a strong, healthy relationship despite this, and looking at non-sexual ways to improve intimacy is invaluable even for those who can’t have sex on a regular basis.

Working with a licensed couples therapist can help as well.

Jumpstarting Your Sex Life

The frequency of sex can, and often does, change over time, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a progressive downhill slide. If you’re wondering if sex can ever be as good as when you were first madly in love, the answer is yes. It can even be better when you add in what you didn’t have before: a stable loving relationship that’s grown mature and intimate. That said, it can take work.

There are a number of ways to spice up your sex life, but looking at the non-sexual parts of your relationship is just as important.

As many say, the biggest sex organ is between the ears. Increasing the frequency of sex without talking and connecting emotionally isn’t likely to create lasting improvement. Stress management is also important.

In her book, “The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido, a Couple’s Guide,” therapist Michele Weiner-Davis suggests taking a “just do it” approach:

“At first, many were understandably cautious about my Nike-style approach to their sex life; the ‘Just Do It’ advice ran counter to everything they had believed about how sexual desire unfolds…I could often see the relief on people’s faces when they learned that their lack of out-of-the-blue sexual urges didn’t necessarily signify a problem. It didn’t mean there was something wrong with them or that something was missing from their marriages. It just meant that they experienced desire differently.”

If you always wait for your level of desire to match that of your partner, you may be waiting a long time.

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/why-to-have-sex-more-often-2300937

 

• http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2011/05/does-watching-porn-affect-intimate-relationships-part-one-men/ (Adapted) Retrieved December 15th 2016
• http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography.aspxRetrieved December 15th
• http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography.aspxRetrieved December 15th
• http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2011/05/does-watching-porn-affect-intimate-relationships-part-one-men/ (Adapted) Retrieved December 15th
• http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2014/05/30/4015450.htmRetrieved 16th December,