PRE-MARITAL EDUCATION

 

PREMARITAL EDUCATION PREAMBLES

COURSE OBJECTIVE

The aim of this course is to prepare you for marriage as Individuals and as a Couple and to also enlighten you on the responsibilities that marriage brings. At the end of this course, you should have learnt to take Responsibility of yourself, others and Partner.

LECTURE OVERVIEW:

Introduction

MODULE 1- BEFORE COURTSHIP

Exercise 1- Pretest Questions

Exercise 2- Introduction

Exercise 3- Why Premarital Education is Important?

Exercise 4- Preparation

MODULE 2- PRIOR PREPARATION

Exercise 1- Tips

Exercise 2- Self Knowledge

ACTIVITY

Exercise 3- Self Acceptance

Exercise 4- Self Love

Exercise 5- Self Validation

Exercise 6- Self Care

Exercise 7- Self Image/Brand

Exercise 8- Self Promotion

Exercise 9- Self Promotion

MODULE 3- RESPONSIBILITY TO SELF

Exercise 1- Preparation Phase

ACTIVITY

MODULE 4- RESPONSIBILITY TO OTHERS

Exercise 1- Parents & Caregivers

Exercise 2- Household

Exercise 3- Siblings & Family

Exercise 4- Purpose of Displaying Responsibility

ACTIVITY

MODULE 5- ATTRIBUTES TO LOOK OUT FOR

Exercise 1- Importance

Exercise 2- List of Values

Exercise 3- Value of Importance

Exercise 4- Order of Importance

MODULE 6 – HOW TO ASK HER OUT

MODULE 7 – STRATEGIC POSITIONING

MODULE 8 – DURING COURTSHIP

MODULE 9 – FAMILY

Exercise 1- Why Family?

Exercise 2 – Starting a family

Exercise 3 – Importance of Family in Marriage

ACTIVITY

Exercise 4 – What if I am from a broken home?

Exercise 5 – What if I am from a dysfunctional family?

Exercise 6 – Role of Family in Marriage?

Exercise 7 – Sympathy for parents

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 10 – WHAT TO EXPECT IN MARRIAGE

Exercise 1- Communication

Exercise 2- Conflict

 

 

PREMARITAL EDUCATION PREAMBLES

COURSE OBJECTIVE

The aim of this course is to prepare you for marriage as Individuals and as a Couple and to also enlighten you on the responsibilities that marriage brings. At the end of this course, you should have learnt to take Responsibility of yourself, others and Partner.

MODULE 1- BEFORE COURTSHIP

Exercise 1– Pre-test questions (email your answers to…..)

• How did your parents show their love to you growing up?
• What is your primary love language?
  • Quality Time
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical Touch
• How do you handle your anger?
• Do you expect or want me to change in certain areas?
• How will we make decisions together?
• If we get stuck in our marriage, are you willing to seek outside help with a counselor?
• Is it ok to have alone time in a relationship? If yes, how much timeis appropriate?
• How do we handle conflict and how could we be better about it?
• What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?
• Do you feel like we have enough heart to heart conversations that connect us emotionally?
• Are we both good at apologizing?
• Are we both quick to forgive?
• Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
• How will we make sure we have quality time together no matter how busy we get?
• How important is it to you to keep up physical appearances?
• How important do you think self-care is?
• When conflict arises, do we tend to want to fight or avoid it?

 

Exercise 2- Why Premarital Education is Important?

Exercise 3 – Preparation

Guide to Activities

These activities are to help you discover and understand yourself so it’s totally normal if it takes you some time to dig out the answers.

You are in the process of self-exploring and there’s no need to rush through it.

At first, some of these questions may be difficult to answer. Some of them will force us to face the painful part of our memory. But they can help giving you some insights about yourself. Keep in mind that there is no “correct” answer or the “best” interpretation. It’s a self-discovery process that leads you to dig deep within.

 

MODULE 2- PRIOR PREPARATION

Exercise 1- Tips to effectively answering the questions in this section

• You shouldn’t have anyone in mind.
• Place? Look for a very quiet place that promotes deep reflective thoughts

Exercise 2- Self-Knowledge

These questions are to help you understand and accept some critical parts of your motives or character.

• What am I good at?
• What am I average at?
• What am I bad at?
• What makes me tired?
• What is the most important thing in my life?
• Who are the most important people in my life?
• How much sleep do I need?
• What stresses me out?
• What relaxes me?
• What’s my definition of success?
• What type of worker am I?
• How do I want others to see me?
• What makes me sad?
• What makes me happy?
• What makes me angry?
• What type of person do I want to be?
• What type of friend do I want to be?
• What do I think about myself?
• What things do I value in life?
• What makes me afraid?

Type 2

1. Self-awareness questions on values and life goals

• How will your ideal you be like?
• What is your biggest dream or goal?
• What it means to you to achieve your dreams or goals, why are they worth fighting for?
• What’s in your way towards your dream?
• Rank the most important things in your life (career, money, family, love, knowledge…)
• What is the proportion of time dedicated to these items accordingly? (if most of your time is given to the less important things, you should think about reprioritizing your schedule)
• If you have children, what would you recommend them to do or not do?

2. Self-awareness questions on personality

• What are the 3 words that best describe yourself
• Has your personality changed since childhood? If so, why?
• Is your personality similar to that of your parents?
• What quality do you admire the most about yourself?
• What is your biggest weakness?
• What is your biggest strength?
• What scares you the most?
• How do you make a decision? By intuition or logical analysis?
• Name the biggest “What if” in your mind.

3. Self-awareness questions on relationships and love

• How will an ideal intimate relationship be like to you?
• Are you satisfied with your current relationship status?
• If you only have 5 minutes more to live, who will you call and what will you say?
• Name one person that you love/loved the most.
• Describe the best moment of all the relationships you’ve been in.
• Describe the most devastating moment of all the relationships you’ve ever had.
• Do you treat yourself better than others?

Exercise 3- Self Acceptance

Exercise 4- Self Love

Exercise 5- Self Validation

Exercise 6- Self Care

Exercise 7- Self Image/Brand

Exercise 8- Self Promotion

Exercise 9- Self Promotion

 

MODULE 3 – RESPONSIBILITY TO SELF

Exercise 1- Preparation Phase

This period of preparation is essentially a learning phase of life. The single phase is basically a learning phase. Therefore, the single stage is basically a period where devotion should be given to learn:

• How to earn
• Learn about the opposite sex
• Attributes of worthy life partner
• How relationships/family works
• Keep improving
• Recognize signs of abuse

Some of the attributes of an abuser are anyone who:

• Despises your dreams and vision.
• Overly jealous.
• Verbally abusive
• Hypersensitive
• Threatens violence if you quit.
• Expects perfection.
• Un-teachable and unwilling to change and learn
• Isolates you from family and friends ( will soon unleash terror)
• Disconnects you from mentors
• Finds fault with people who love you
• Encourages dependence from you
• Professes over-dependence on you.
• Blames others for his mistakes.

ACTIVITY

Answer these

• Do you feel a need to blame others when you make mistakes or would you rather take responsibility for your actions?
• What are routines like daily, weekly and monthly?
• How effective are you with your plans? Do you procrastinate?

MODULE 4 – RESPONSIBILITY TO OTHERS

Exercise 1- Parents & Caregivers

Exercise 2- Household

Exercise 3- Siblings & Family

Exercise 4- Purpose of Displaying Responsibility

ACTIVITY

• What other reasons can you think you about why you should demonstrate responsibilities before your friends and loved ones?

MODULE 5 – ATTRIBUTES TO LOOK OUT FOR

This session is a practical session for you and your partner. The essence of these questions is to ensure that your relationship is value-driven and both of you share same values. You are to take time to answer these questions, collate your answers and submit. (Think about your social values- ideologies and philosophies, religion- faith and beliefs, emotional values- positive and negative feelings, mental values)

ACTIVITY

Exercise 1- Why is it importance to know what you stand for

Exercise 2- Draw a list values that are important to you

Exercise 3- Why are these values important to you

Exercise 4- Arrange them in the order of importance

 

MODULE 6 – HOW TO ASK HER OUT (DISCUSSION)

MODULE 7 – STRATEGIC POSITIONING (DISCUSSION)

MODULE 8 – DURING COURTSHIP

Exercise 1 – After yes what next. Not marriage but the work of ascertaining compatibility.

Exercise 2 – List out all your values and try to arrange them in the order of importance. Which can you do without and which is indispensable?

 

Useful Nuggets for Singles

There is a lot to do during singlehood, marriage is not the only thing you can look forward to achieving. Some singles suspend everything else for marriage. Don’t waste singlehood waiting for marriage, explore all the opportunities available to you because once the period slips away it cannot be recovered.

From previous discussions on family, a single person is ideally supposed to learn life skills from their parents. It may be impossible to learn all skills in all aspects of life from your parents but the practicality of handling life demands and challenges should be learnt in the home.

No single person can combine all the essential qualities you will need in life. For instance, your parents can have an exemplary marriage but do not know how to handle finances, they may be great parents but unable to grow a business. In instances where you desire a skill that your parents who are your first mentors lack then get other mentors in those areas. And if unfortunately, your parents are absent don’t despair, you may have to learn solely from mentors. Who does the teaching is not important, so far as valuable lessons are being transferred. It is an honor of parents to be entrusted with this great privilege.

Useful Nuggets During Courtship

Courtship according to Wikipedia is “the period in a couple’s relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During courtship, a couple get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or other such agreement”.

Courtship period is not the same as marriage. The freedom of choice is still retained at this point. It is a period where each party is subjected to further scrutiny to ascertain if perceived quality and actual quality corresponds. If it those, then engagement and marriage plans could now commence. It is simply a time of further study.

Courtship are entered in0 doesn’t have to A lot of single people go into with the mentality that it must lead to marriage. When events are working contrary to plan, some people are afraid to quit such relationships, especially if they have such previous history. Most people treat courtship as marriage, it is clearly not.

In as much as you should be careful and avoid jumping into relationships with every Tom, Dick and Harry, you should also not be afraid or ashamed of ending a relationship that is not aligned to your values and beliefs irrespective of how many times you have had to call off relationships in the past. A broken courtship will always be better than a broken marriage.

Things to do in courtship include but not limited to the following tips.

• Continue to Know& love yourself: Have a list of values, morals, standards and beliefs: know yourself and be familiar with the values you hold dear. Know the moral standards that they you can’t go below. Know what your belief system is hinged on. Be true to yourself. Hold yourself accountable to your values and submit your partner to the same morality and value test.

• Love yourself: no one will love you more than you love yourself. Appreciate yourself. Don’t become a trash can for anyone because you want their love. Respect yourself and place good value on yourself. You are worth the very best.

• Make sure your list is realistic – work with counsellors – know the difference between wants and needs

• Do your due diligence –
• purpose check marriage is not your life purpose.
• family background check
• personality check
• integrity check
• responsibility check
• parental consent check
• health check
• love language check
• intellectual check
• divine confirmation check.

• Trust your instincts: if you are uncomfortable about anything in your relationship, take a break to think deeply about it. It is possible it is just your unsettled emotions but it might also be a warning. Take time to dissect your inner nudging and inclinations, most times they are right. Several people that have had terrible relationship experiences later confessed that sometime during the relationship, they had a nudging to exit which they didn’t give attention to.

 

• Device how to show affection without sex: Sex colors opinions. Especially for ladies, once a lady is sexually intimate with a man, no matter how defiant she appears, she has sold a part of her dignity to the man and from then on tries to win and keep him. She begins to seek for assurance and security of the guy’s love. And while she’s at it, she might be unable spot traits that are not in sync with her value systems.
• Keep the romance alive:Remember that courtship is a time of romance. Don’t cheat yourselves out of that. Enjoy dynamic, exciting, God-glorifying romance by seeking ways to give of yourselves to each other, to serve each other and to show your love for each other in simple ways. Romance–true romance–is about blessing the other by giving of self . . . and that’s what true love is about, too. So, you see, the two go hand in hand. Couples who engage in an intensely physical relationship often lose out on this very point–because physical pleasure has become the focus of their relationship.
• Take stock of pattern of events – if we argue 2wice a week. Settle future marital issues – budget – percentage of money to use on, number of kids, how to treat relatives, area to live in, how our visions intertwine, who to make sacrifices when needed

Recognizing the one- In as much as it is impossible to get a total match for all your fantasies there is a man/woman out there for you. On your check list the one for you is anyone who:

• accepts you unconditionally
• Anyone who gives you the right to be yourself who wants you to change at your own pace.
• Who believes in you?
• Who celebrates you?
• Who desires you?
• Who cannot do without you?

Settling Vs Facing Reality

Finally, there is a difference between settling and facing reality. Settling is deciding to marry anyone that proposes or is available because the pressure of singleness is getting at you. So, you cut short your waiting period even though you know for sure that the person you are going ahead with doesn’t possess most of the qualities you have always sort, not even in its revised form.

Facing reality with your choice of partner on the other hands means accepting someone who possesses most of the qualities you want in a partner but does not come in the package you are expecting.

For instance, if a person shares the same value system with you, and you are compatible on all other levels but maybe he doesn’t have the right height, stature, diction or level of education you desire, if you accept such a person, then it is not settling.

MODULE 9 – FAMILY

It must stress that the family institution is crumbling and marriages are under a serious siege. All hands should be on deck to ensure it is not prevailed against. We are already being affected, but it will be much worse if the family institution fails. Values and identity will be completely lost if that happens. People will become more judgmental and critical, less affectionate and compassionate and there will be crisis in the society. The purpose of this Module is to enable singles and married understand the purpose of their immediate family and the various roles when it comes to marriage.

Exercise 1 – Why Family?

 

Exercise 2 – Starting a family

 

Exercise 3 – Importance of Family in Marriage

• Source of support and encouragement
• To receive hands-on training
• To reduce societal ills
• Good family demonstrates how to love and be loved

ACTIVITY

• Why is the family unit important? Visit this site to help you in answering this question

http://www.smartbeginningsmhc.org/Why-is-family-support-important-.html

• How does your family shape your perspective Experience Vs Knowledge?

https://familyrelationshipblog.wordpress.com/2016/02/25/does-family-shape-our-identity/

 

Exercise 4 – What if I am from a broken home?

 

Exercise 5 – What if I am from a dysfunctional family?

 

Exercise 6 – Role of Family in Marriage?

• Role of a man in Family
• Role of a woman in Family
• Societal Influence on Family

 

Exercise 7 – Sympathy for parents

ACTIVITY

• What types of influences did you have growing up? Which can you imbibe in your marriage and why? Use your core values while answering.

MODULE 10 – WHAT TO EXPECT IN MARRIAGE

Introduction to various concepts in marriage

• Communication
• Conflict
• The concept of submission and authority – one to the other
• Sex
• Gender role
• Cultural religious expectations
• Parenting
• Finance
• In-law & Third-parties
• Purpose of marriage

Summary

Every phase in life is a preparation period for the next phase. A well maximized now, prepares you for later. Equally, the amount of burden you are able to eliminate from today, determines the amount of rest and quality of life you will have tomorrow.

For instance, a well understood, applied and maximized primary school makes secondary school learning a little easier. An attentive secondary school pupil may fine university learning a bit easier. Adequately learning in the university makes work life a little more seamless.

The same principle applies to relational life. Good learning in singlehood prepare an individual for a more successful married life. No one manufactures the weapon of battle on the battlefield. Good preparation will always prevent poor performance.