DIVORCE

 

LIBRARY MATERIALS

 

MODULE 1: DIVORCE

No one enters a marriage expecting it to fail. Still, more than 20 percent of first marriages end in divorce within five years, and 48 percent of marriages dissolve by the 20-year mark, according to 2006-2010 data from the government’s National Survey of Family Growth in the USA. Separation and divorce are emotionally difficult events, but it is possible to have a healthy breakup. Going through a divorce can be extremely traumatic for everyone involved.

 

Exercise 1- Understanding divorce

 

Exercise 2- Regretting Divorce

 

Exercise 3- Clarifying Divorce

 

Exercise 4 – Clarifying Divorce

 

ACTIVITIES

• Do you like the person you became in marriage?
• What did you give up to make the relationship work?
• Briefly outline on a piece of paper what you find most difficult about being divorced.
• How have you coped with the challenges that come with being divorced?

 

MODULE 2: FACING THE REALITIES OF THE SITUATION

The situation is complicated, and because it’s so complicated, people tend to pay attention more on the worst-case and best-case situations when they think about the reality of life after divorce. Truth is some people assume that the post-divorce life is misery and constant struggle but not always; there are ways to face these realities

 

Exercise 1 – Realities of Divorce

• Emotions
• Cognitive discordance
• Your memories will be with you forever
• Status Change
• Promise of a better life
• Women’s perspective
• Family/Friends reactions
• The feelings of your partner

 

Exercise 2 – Dealing with Children

 

Exercise 3- Dealing with the Society

 

ACTIVITIES

• What has your experience been like since you got separated from your partner?
• Precisely speaking, what have your emotions been like?
• How has this affected your other relationships, work, and life in general?
• Do you have kids from your previous marriage? If you do; How are your kids taking the divorce? Have frank conversations with them to find out how this change is affecting them.
• Has the event of your divorce affected how people relate with you or has this event impacted people’s attitude towards you?
• What support structures do you have around you? E.g. family, friends, church, etc

 

MODULE 3 – SURVIVING DIVORCE

 

Exercise 1- Coping with yourself

• Find yourself
• Control your Emotions
• Your divorce should not define you-
• Examine your finances
• Engage in things that dignifies you as a person and activities that increases your self-respect

 

Exercise 2- Coping with your partner

 

 

MODULE 4: SELF-FORGIVENESS AND HEALING AFTER A DIVORCE

This module is highlighting the learning experience for prevention, self and spouse forgiveness and why you should do it

 

Exercise 1- Understanding Forgiveness

Many people experience five distinct stages of grief, including denial, anger, depression and acceptance after a divorce. Try to be gentle with yourself, seek support from loved ones and allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions. They will help you forgive yourself, your spouse and heal.

• Denial Stage; When a marriage has come to an end, the loss can be terribly surprising and difficult to digest. Nothing like moving through a storm and pretending all is well with the world. Denial is your psyche’s way of protecting you from becoming emotionally overwhelmed. Even if the divorce is your decision, you may have trouble believing and accepting that the relationship is over. Denial is a useful coping/defence mechanism that softens the immediate shock and protects us from the pain of loss. By blocking out your circumstances, you don’t have to think about the difficult emotions to come.And this is good if it doesn’t keep you from progressing onto the next stage and interferes with your day to day activities. Use denial to your benefit but don’t abuse it. After a while, refusing to face reality becomes a very unattractive trait and influences your behaviour and attitude.

 

• Anger Stage:Once reality has sunk in, many people experiencing divorce become angry. You may feel resentful of your partner for things he did or said, or you may be upset with yourself for your own actions that contributed to the end of the marriage. During this stage of grief, emotions can become increasingly intense. A person often concentrates on the things he hates about his partner, his own regrets or the things he feels guilty about.  It is a time of blame, irritation and disgust. Anger makes you blame your ex-spouse for everything. When your world is crashing around you, who is better to blame for all your problems than a crazy ex husband/wife? You will find all the faults in your ex. During this phase your ex becomes the worst lover you had ever had, ugly beyond description, a slob, a wimp… your anger would do a number on your spouse and their character.

 

During this Anger Stage? Have at it!  Displaced anger is common, and you may find yourself having less patience and becoming easily aggravated with day-to-day tasks or situations. Enjoy it if there are no little ears to hear your disparaging, cursing and insulting remarks about your ex. Feel free to let out all the pent-up anger you stuffed during the denial Stage.

 

• Bargaining Stage:Bargaining is a last-ditch attempt at coming to terms with the decision to divorce,” explains Cathy Meyer, a certified divorce coach and marriage educator in the Huffington Post article. In this stage you will attempt to repair and undo the damage done to your life. This stage is prompted by panic, fear and the desire to regain control. You may try to negotiate with your partner to correct what went wrong, or you may remind yourself of the reasons the relationship did not work especially if you are the leave. Bargaining is when you stop and say, “oh dear, I can’t handle this emotionally. I’ll negotiate anything with him/her, turn myself inside if need be but I can’t go through this.” It is an attempt to put on the brakes, stop that runaway train and get your “life” back. It might not have been a great life, but it was a hell of a lot better than what you are experiencing now. During this bargaining stage your ex will be the best lover you have ever had. You will miss their beautiful face and demeanor. The thing to remember is; both the leavee and the other party will also go through the Bargaining Stage. Thankful there’s every possibility that one can move quite swiftly through the Bargaining Stage.

 

• Depression Stage: Depression usually sets in as a person understands that the marriage is truly over. You’ll be in bed or in front of the television for most of this stage. You may lock yourself indoors or not take your bath for many days. Sadness, debilitating sadness becomes your constant companion. This is the one stage we should all expect. We know that depression is going to hit, what we don’t realize is that depression can go hand in hand with all the stages of grief. Many upsetting decisions and adjustments take place in the aftermath of a divorce, which can lead to deep sadness. For example, you may have to determine who receives various assets, who has custody of the children or who must move out of the house. You may lose shared friends and may not want to attend certain events. Depression is often accompanied by shame, and many people experience a period of isolation while grieving. Some people turn inward and retreat socially until they have let go of the loss. It is important you cry it out and talk, talk, talk to someone who is trained to help you eliminate these toxic emotions.

 

• Acceptance Stage: In the last stage of grief after a divorce, you come to accept the divorce as part of your life. You embrace the guidance and support of others and slowly begin to let go of negative emotions. The heartache may not be gone forever, but you are able to resume your normal activities without overwhelming sadness. You’ll love this stage. When it hits, you’ll throw your head back and laugh! There is light at the end of the tunnel and life ahead. You’ve moved through difficulty and learned from it. Full steam ahead! Be counselled though, acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger; there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage, it is just that you’ve learned to “accept” the reality of the situation though. You may always have feelings of regret over the loss of your marriage but, it is regret you can live with. You are no longer stuck in the grief…if lucky you are no longer grieving. If there are still feelings of grief, they are at least no longer holding you back from living life

 

 

 

Exercise 2- Healing

• Be patient
• Avoid critically analyzing what happened
• Forgiveness is vital

 

Exercise 3- Self-care/love

• Be true to yourself

 

ACTIVITY

• Describe your emotions in 3 sentences
• At what stage of the healing process do you think you are?
• How have you handled it so far?
• Do you feel like you need special help as you go through the process?

 

• Speak to three people in your inner circle and ask them to draw up a list of positive qualities that you possess.
• Plan a daily schedule in which you will read this list out loud to your own hearing.

 

 

 

 

 

MODULE 5- LEARNING CURVE IN THE MARRIAGE

 

Exercise 1- Understanding the Lessons from your Past Marriage

 

Exercise 2- Dating again

 

Dating again

To successfully date again you need to

• Face your fears: Bury the demon of comparison making your next pay for your ex. After taking responsibility and accepting responsibility for your actions, you can avoid negative emotions such as excessive regret and guilt.  Then allow yourself to feel remorse and face your fears. Guilt is not always a bad thing. It allows you to think about consequences, feel empathy for others, and to look for ways to improve yourself.

 

• Allow yourself to experience remorse without dwelling on unhealthy guilt. Make amends for your actions. One way to move past your guilt is to take action to rectify your mistakes and avoid comparison with other people.

 

• Find positive actions that will help you move forward. Ask yourself questions like: How can you emerge from this experience a better person? What steps can you take to prevent the same behaviors again in the future? Forgiving yourself often requires finding a way to learn from the experience and grow as a person, so how do you plan to grow? Dating again? How do I get started? How do I attract the “love of my life” into my life?

 

• Take an autopsy of your last marriage to know where you missed it, this will help you do better in your next marriage.

 

• Make conscious effort to correct every error from your previous marriage, and may conscious effort to correct every wrong in your new relationship.

 

To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone?

 

 

Exercise 3- Interview

 

 

 

ACTIVITY: We blame our past failed marriage for emotional baggage that we have today e.g. fear of heartbreak, wasted time, energy, and lack of emotions. But if we look at it from another perspective, all these failures from your ends will be essential and is the catalyst to your next successful marriage.

Here are the questions you should ask yourself:

 

• In your past marriage, were you open or expressive?

 

• Did you always take responsibilities for your actions?

 

• How was your Communication Style?

Because, your communication style can make or break your marriage.

 

• Did you confuse Intensity for Intimacyin your past marriage?

It’s easy to confuse intensity for intimacy in the early stages of your marriage.

 

• Did your happiness depend on your partner?

One biggest thing that breaks up relationships is the idea that the other person will make you happy,

 

 

• Did you feel you were always 100% “right” or “wrong?

 

• Do you now understand your contributions to the failure of your marriage?

 

• Were you always seeking revenge?

 

• Was your marriage ruled solely by love? And not importantly by trust, understanding, maturity and self-respect?

 

• Do you know that even if you give someone your heart, it’s not guaranteed that they will reciprocate?

 

• Do you know that if you walked away from a one-sided, toxic, negative, low-vibrational relationship, you won?

 

• Did you ever distance yourself from your partner from time to time?

It will help you see your relationship in a proper perspective.

 

ACTIVITY 2

• What are your regrets as you reflect on the marriage and divorce?
• What changes are you making as you look into the future?