OBJECTIVES
In this course, you will learn:
LECTURE OVERVIEW
INTRODUCTION
MODULE 1- WHAT IS AN AFFAIRS
Exercise 1- Definition of Affairs
Exercise 2- Types of Affairs
ACTIVIY
MODULE 2- WHY DO AFFAIRS HURT?
Exercise 1- Why Affairs Hurt
Exercise 2- Romantic Ideals
MODULE 3 – WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN (DISCUSSIONS)
MODULE 4 – PAIN
Exercise 1- Introduction Types of pain
Exercise 2- Perpetuator and Victim (Discussion with counsellors)
MODULE 5 – AFFAIRS
Exercise 1- Facts about affairs
Exercise 2- New Realities about Affairs
MODULE 6 – TYPES OF BETRAYAL
Exercise 1- Contempt
Exercise 2- Indifference
Exercise 3- Violence
Exercise 4 – Neglect
MODULE 7 –
Exercise 1- Discovery of an Affair
Exercise 2- Dealing with Pain
Exercise 3- Managing emotions
MODULE 8 – DEALING WITH THE SITUATION
Exercise 1- Analysing the Situation
Exercise 2- Signs that the discovery of the affair was an interruption
Exercise 3- Signs after the Discovery
Exercise 4- Accepting Reality
MODULE 9 – SHOULD I FORGIVE?
MODULE 10 – LEARNING CURVES FROM AFFAIRS
Exercise 1- Learning curves from affairs
Exercise 2- Autopsy Questions
Exercise 3- Questions for Both Partners to ask
Exercise 4- Questions for the hurt partner to ask partner who had the affair
Exercise 5- Questions for the partner who had the affair to ask the hurt partner
MODULE 11- HEALING TOGETHER
Exercise 1 – The Victim
Exercise 2 – The Perpetrator
MODULE 12 – GOING FORWARD
INTRODUCTION
This course is about helping couples who are suffering or have suffered from the brutal blow that affairs cause. It is about helping couples understand their pain, how to manoeuvre at this very crucial period and hopefully help them to reach a decision that can advance their relationship.
Affairs can brutally strain a relationship and the people involved. Affairs can leave the other person feeling devastated, alone, betrayed, and confused. Sometimes, an affair ends a relationship. Other times, couples can repair the relationship.
We understand that at this point it is difficult to talk to people who truly understand the depths of the pain we feel and how difficult it is to make the right decision
MODULE 1 – WHAT IS AN AFFAIR
Exercise 1 – Definition of Affairs
Exercise 2- Types of Affairs
ACTIVITIES
MODULE 2 – WHY DO AFFAIRS HURT?
Exercise 1- Why Affairs Hurt
Exercise 2 – Romantic Ideals
MODULE 3 – WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN (A MORE SYMPATHETIC APPROACH) (DISCUSSIONS)
MODULE 4 – PAIN
Exercise 1- Introduction to Types of pain
When affairs happen in a relationship it is common to think that the offended is the only one facing pain but this is very untrue. Both parties are going through real pain and both parties need to understand and heal from their peculiar pain. Though this might be difficult (especially to the offended) it is wise to listen to each other’s pain.
Exercise 2- Perpetuator and Victim (Discussion with counsellors)
MODULE 5 – FACTS ABOUT AFFAIRS
Exercise 1- Facts about affairs
Exercise 2 – New realities about affairs
MODULE 6 – TYPES OF BETRAYAL
Exercise 1 – Contempt
Exercise 2 – Indifference
Exercise 3 – Violence
Exercise 4- Neglect
MODULE 7
Exercise 1 – Discovery of an Affair
Discovery of an affair by any/either of the partner in a relationship is a very hurtful experience; the emotions if not properly controlled or channelled can lead to more devastating consequences. Emotions in times of Discovery have to be however properly managed; visiting a relationship therapist is of utmost importance and comes highly recommended in the healing process.
Regardless of the above, shock is an almost universal reaction to learning about an affair. In part, this stems from the fact that while your partner has known about his or her behaviour for a long time, you are just now finding out.
Some emotions experienced after discovery which has already been mentioned include but not limited to, Disappointments, Betrayal, hurt, Anger, Shock, some deeper ones are Depression, suicidal tendencies, revenge which could even lead to Murder in extreme cases.
Exercise 2 – Dealing with your Pain
Especially for people who are shocked and grieving the loss of the ideal relationship they perceived they had, it is difficult to accept that their pain is worth attending to. Usually they are still living in denial, and are all out for trying to stabilise and normalise the relationship again.
You are worth attending to. Attend to your wounds first before trying to salvage the marriage. You mostly have bruised ego, shattered beliefs and deep emotional trauma.
Tips to dealing with your pain
Exercise 3- Managing emotions after discovery of an affair
Emotional hurt and managing emotions after discovery of an affair can be a tough call but not impossible.
Tips
8MODULE 8 – DEALING WITH THE SITUATION
Exercise 1 – Analysing the situation.You will have to determine whether discovering the affair was an interruption or an awakening.
Exercise 2 – Signs that the discovery of the affair was an interruption
Exercise 3 – Signs that the affair was an awakening to reality
Exercise 4- Accepting reality
MODULE 9
Exercise 1 – Should I forgive? (Discussion)
Forgiveness is not an option. It is not something you do for others, but what you do for yourself. You can forgive without going ahead with the marriage. Forgiveness is also different from continuing with the relationship.
MODULE 10
Exercise 1– Learning curves from affairs – Conducting an autopsy on the affair
Every affair will change a relationship. It can’t be any other way. There will be hurt and anger and both of you will feel lonely and lost for a while, but if your relationship is worth fighting for, there will be room for growth and discovery. The heartbreak won’t always feel bigger than you. Some days you will be unstable and some days you’ll be okay and some days you will be lost in thoughts how you will ever get over the whole experience. This is so normal and it’s all okay. You’re grieving for what you thought you had and what you thought you were working towards. You’re grieving for the person you thought you were with and or the relationship you thought you had. Those things are still there, but they’re different to what you thought. That doesn’t mean better or worse, just different.
Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. But the mistakes we make – and we all make them – impress in our core new wisdoms and truths that weren’t there before.
An affair is a traumatic time in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to define the relationship. Rather than accumulating the broken pieces and, they can be used put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger, more informed, wiser, and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable.
Everyone makes mistakes, big and small. Giving people you know and love and understanding, non-judgmental front is so important for honesty and growth.
Exercise 2 – Autopsy questions
Questions to help a couple process an affair
Finding Meaning in the Affair
Exercise 3 – Questions for Both Partners to ask
Exercise 4 – Questions for the hurt partner to ask partner who had the affair
Exercise 5 – Questions for the partner who had the affair to ask the hurt partner
http://forgoodloving.com/healing-after-an-affair-questions-to-better-understand-cheating.html
MODULE 11 – HEALING TOGETHER
Exercise 1 – The Victim
Exercise 2 – The Perpetuator
MODULE 12 – GOING FORWARD
LIBRARY MATERIALS
Articles
The decision to forgive a cheating spouse does not rest squarely on one party in a marriage there are so many factors to consider. A marriage can survive and thrive after infidelity; and truth be told, affairs will mean the end of some relationships. Others will accept the betrayal and although they might never thrive, they’ll stay in the relationship. For some people this will be their enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer and more sustainable. For this to happen, it will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people.
In order for the victim to forgive wholeheartedly, the process of healing should be under gone and the perpetrator should patiently tolerate the process. Those who engage in affairs can also be affected by infidelity.
For the relationship to heal, and for there to be any chance of forgiveness, there has to be
An understanding of how both partners may have contributed to the problem.
What was missing in the relationship and how can that change? This is not to excuse the person who had the affair. Not at all.
What it’s doing is finding the space in which the relationship can grow. If both partners are claiming to have done everything they could and the affair happened, then there’s no room for forgiveness or growth and the relationship will stay vulnerable.
The emotional and mental impact of cheating on the person can be severe, especially cases of repeated affairs; when a partner engages in repeated affairs. If there are still issues after an affair, then you have to ask yourself these questions:
Any of these unresolved issues can lead to more infidelity.
RECOVERING FROM AFFAIRS
In order to avoid other affairs and enjoy the aftermath of an affair, Partners with multiple affairs must explore pre- and post-affair factors. They must identify behaviors, communication, and emotions shown. They should also look at each partner’s role in the relationship before and after. Partners should be honest with their feelings of hurt, guilt, and shame. The foundation must be solid after the affair. This may help protect the relationship from future infidelities, because lingering doubt or insecurity may be fatal to the relationship. For a relationship to heal from betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both partners. If a relationship has been broken by an affair, healing will take a lot of reflection on what went wrong, and what is needed to make it better, but if both partners believe the relationship is worth fighting for, it can find its way back.
TO THE ONE WHO HAS HAD THE AFFAIR
This will be a time to stand guard over the boundaries of your relationship. As with any trauma, finding out about an affair will create colossal potential for the trauma to be re-experienced over and over and for the event to be mentioned. Every time there is a gap in knowledge in your relationship – an unanswered text, a phone that is off or that goes through to voicemail, something that doesn’t make sense, not knowing where you are, being late home, not being where you said you would be – anything that can be linked with the affair or with the possibility that the affair is still continuing, can recreate the feelings associated with the betrayal. These feelings might include panic, sadness, fear, anger, suspicion, loneliness, loss. This will keep happening until the trust has been restored. This will take time and it won’t be rushed. Since you’re the one who has had the affair, your job now is to help your partner to feel safe again.
To do this, make sure there is total accountability for as long as it takes for your partner to know that there is nothing else more to find out. The privacy and trust that was there before the affair is gone, and it will be gone for a while. Know that for your partner, he or she doesn’t want to be that person who doesn’t trust, and who is suspicious and paranoid – but that’s what affairs do. They turn trusting, loving, open hearts into suspicious, resentful, broken ones. It would be that way for anyone. How long these emotions stay will depend a lot on how you handle things and how you plan on moving forward. Try to be responsible every minute of every day, be an open book; let there be no secrets. Knowing that there is nothing going on is critical to healing the anxiety and trauma that has come with discovering the affair. Your partner who has been betrayed looking for information isn’t about wanting to catch you out, but about wanting to know that there is nothing to catch out.
For healing to also happen, it will be your turn to take responsibility for standing guard over the boundaries of your relationship for a while. Be the one who makes sure there are no gaps, no absences, no missing pieces in the day, and of course no secrets. If the person you had the affair with contacts you, let your partner know. Be the one who makes things safe again. Because of the affair your partner who is still hurting, will try to sometimes see a need to constantly find evidence that the affair isn’t happening. And this may happen for a long period of time. It may even become an obsession for a while. Finding out about an affair is traumatic, and the way to find relief from this is by searching for proof that the relationship is safe, that the affair is finished, and that it’s okay to trust again.
TO THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN BETRAYED
Forgive yourself first for feeling angry or sad or hateful. Forgive yourself for everything you’re doing to feel okay. Forgive yourself for not knowing during the time of the affair or for not asking the questions when something didn’t feel right. Forgive yourself if you missed something, let go of any shame – for leaving, for staying, for any of the feelings you felt before the affair or during it or afterwards. None of the shame is yours to hold on to.
Every relationship has a make it or break it point. Some relationships will have many. This relationship involves two people, so if you weren’t giving your partner something he or she needed, it was up to them to tell you so you could put it right. There will have been times that your needs went hungry too, it happens in all relationship from time to time. It’s the intensity and the duration of the unmet need that does the damage. You deserved the chance to know that something wasn’t right. And you deserved the chance to put back whatever was missing. You have that now. If you aren’t able to give your partner what he or she needs moving forward, forgive yourself for that too. Sometimes two great people don’t mean a great relationship. Sometimes it’s not the people who are broken, but the combination of you. You will always be someone’s very idea of beautifully and imperfectly perfect. Most likely you have always been that to your partner, but somewhere along the way, life got in the way and things fell apart for a while.
Right now, though, you are going through shock. Give yourself plenty of time to forgive, and to start to feel okay again, whether it is in the relationship or out of it. Be kind to yourself and be patient.